Standing Up
by newfanficfan
Summary: What happens if Alice doesn't see the cliff diving and doesn't come to Forks. Would Edward come back anyway? Would Bella learn to stand on her own? Some Angst, rating for language and adult situations in later chapters. AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I always wondered why Alice was able to see Bella jump. In Eclipse, Bella's entire future disappears as soon as she crosses the boundary into La Push, or decides to go to La Push. So, in my brain, Alice would never have seen Bella jump. Therefore, Alice wouldn't have jumped on a plane, and Jacob wouldn't have smelled vampire when he took Bella home after the cliff diving incident. This also means that Bella would not have been in Italy when Victoria came back, and Victoria would not have smelled a "Cullen" and high-tailed it. That's where my adaptation begins.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the story or the characters, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just can't seem to let them go!**_

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Jacob reached for the door, and I wanted to stop him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew he'd take anything I offered. We could talk later, but it felt like betraying my heart would be the last straw that would finally, completely break me. Also, I was still reeling from hearing Edward's voice. I needed to do some serious self examination. Jacob deserved better, but you know what? So do I.

He stepped out of the truck and waited for me to follow.

He walked me to the doorstep, turned and hugged me tight. This time there was no expectation in his touch. He pulled back and waited for me to look up.

"Bells, we're going to talk about this tomorrow. You know that right?" I nodded and looked back down at my shoes. He was talking about the cliff diving, I was talking about us, maybe he was too.

"I'm sorry Jake, we have a lot to talk about. I've been very selfish, and I'm going to work on that. I've been wasting time, and Harry's passing has given me a wake up call. I've been so stupid. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Don't worry about the red-headed bloodsucker, we'll be patrolling, now that we know what she's looking for."

I tried to argue, but he cut me off, with another grin and a "that's why we're here."

"Goodnight Bella."

"G' night Jake"

I climbed the stairs completely exhausted. Gathered my pajamas from my bedroom and went to the bathroom for a very long, very hot shower. I was beginning to feel somewhat human again.

As I headed back down the stairs, I noticed it was getting kind of late, I wondered absently when Charlie would be back. I pulled out the casserole from two days ago. Another wave of guilt hit me. My near death experience jolted me again, what would losing his best friend and his daughter on the same day have done to Charlie? It would have killed him. The hole in my chest started aching again, but this time there was a burn with it. Words were ringing in my ears, "Don't do anything reckless or stupid, for Charlie's sake."

I was angry. At myself mostly, but for the first time ever, at him. He made a promise he broke as soon as it was made and asked me to agree to a promise for Charlie's sake. I'd forgotten the real reason for that promise. Charlie. Manipulator! The missing part of my chest may not care if I'm safe but Charlie sure as hell does. So does Jake. For that matter, so do the rest of the wolves and Emily, and even my friends at school. God! I've been so stupid. I could feel my resolve getting stronger. I was done going through the motions. I have people who care about me, who _worry_ about me. Those people _matter_. They deserve my full attention and my care in return, not what was left over after _he_ crushed me. Even vacant houses can be rehabbed. I was starting now!

I need a plan.

**Part One: Plan for my Future**

I have one, and I'm not going to just let it happen to me anymore!

Luckily, my grades were excellent, I had been working very hard at not thinking about him, so even my trigonometry grade was an A this semester. I was making an appointment with the guidance counselor first thing Monday to see if I was too late to apply for college scholarships. It was the end of spring break, surely there were still colleges accepting applications.

I need to consider attending school far from here. I don't think I could take Florida and Renee. California? Renee and I lived there with Gran when I was little for a while, or maybe the Midwest? Maybe the east coast. I'd like to be in a big city again, I don't necessarily want to go back Phoenix, but I _miss_ the conveniences of a big city. So far I'd experienced summer heat year round, and cold and wet, maybe it would be nice to go somewhere with four actual seasons!

**Part Two: Develop Relationships with People who ARE Available**

Examine my feelings and hang ups about Jake. It's not fair to him or me to stay in limbo. He's not a medicine, it's not fair to use him as one. There has to be another way to make the hole in my chest heal. If not, I need to cut him loose so he can find a girl to be happy with.

Psychotherapy is probably a bad idea, although, I don't have to tell the doctor about the vampire aspect, surely there is a medical explanation for the hallucinations. Maybe I should start a journal. I can read a book, and maybe learn some healthier coping skills. Grief counseling? I'll check in Port Angeles. Nobody needs to know my boyfriend died 90 years ago…I ached again, just at the thought. There has to be a way to fix me. I can't keep going on like this.

Call Angela.

Visit Renee.

Volunteer. I still need to stay busy, but I can stay busy doing something productive, useful to others. I'll check with Charlie maybe they could use someone to answer phones at the station, or someone to read to kids at the hospital.

Finally, Charlie came home, he looked so tired. "Hey dad, I'm so sorry to hear about Harry."

He looked up at me and said, "I'm really gonna miss him, he was my best friend." He gave me a quick hug and sat down at the table with a "thanks for dinner Bells." He ate like he wasn't really tasting his food, just going through the motions, getting sustenance because he needed to.

"I'm going to head on to bed okay dad?"

"Sure Bells, you look tired. Did you have fun with Jake today?"

"Yeah, went down to the beach, got stuck in the storm, it really took it out of me, I'm beat. See you tomorrow."

"G'night Bells."

Back in my room I went to my desk and pulled out the bottle of pills Dr. Gerandy had prescribed. If I'm going to try to actually get better, I'm going to need to try every available option. Maybe medicine will work. There were twenty five pills in that bottle, I'd give it twenty five days, if it worked, I'd get a refill, if not, then at least I'd _tried_. I went to the bathroom and got a glass water, I took a pill and did something I hadn't done since September, I pulled out Pride and Prejudice and read for a while.

Of course I had a nightmare. Of course. But it was different this time. This time, I was wandering in the woods and I never forgot what I was looking for. This time, I never found him, but I never got to the point of realizing there was nothing to look for. I did wake with a start, this time though, it was because of the growling of a huge russet wolf in my dream.

Huh.

I pondered this as I got ready, for the first time in months I paid attention to my appearance. I took my time drying my hair completely straight. I put on a newer long sleeved blouse and jeans and padded downstairs barefoot. Charlie was already gone. He'd left a note saying he was in La Push helping Sue make funeral arrangements. I called Jake, he was just coming off of patrol. I told him I was planning to go to Newton's to work, he said Sam would shadow me there and that the store would be covered all day. They were pretty sure they'd scared Victoria off for good this time, but I knew better, she'd be back. She'd never give up, she's just like James. This was a game to her, she was just better at escaping than he'd been.

Work was slow, so Mrs. Newton let me off early, I headed out of the store and waited, I knew one of the boys would be waiting. I saw two, Sam and Jared. Sam was in human form, Jared remained in wolf form just inside the woods. I walked toward the edge of the parking lot that bordered the forest, Sam stepped out.

"I got out early, I was thinking I need to run a couple errands, the bank, the grocery store, do you mind tagging along, I hate keeping you from Emily, but since I seem to be the bait, I don't want to wander around town alone."

"I'm glad you're taking this seriously Bella, of course I'll go with you, Jared will call Paul and they'll shadow us as close as they can. You're not keeping me from Emily, it's my turn for patrol anyway, I pulled the easy duty, beats running the perimeter!"

Of course he just hopped in the truck, he didn't need to tell Jared, he could hear us from his post, he'd be telling Paul already, so off we went.

The errands didn't take long, I bought more groceries than normal, telling Sam I planned to make some food to send to Sue's with Charlie. He surprised me when he suggested I come to the funeral too. I hadn't even considered that. Harry was Charlie's friend. I didn't really even know him. "I'm afraid I'd feel like an outsider. I know Jake doesn't, but I know my relationship with the Cullen's is a sore spot with most of the pack, and some of the tribal elders."

"Interesting choice of words Bella."

"What?"

"You didn't say former relationship, or past. Let me ask you something, I know Jake doesn't speak their names around you, we've seen the way you seem to cave in on yourself when you think of them. Are you still grieving, or are you still in denial?"

It's a good thing Sam was driving, because all of the air left my lungs in a quick whoosh. "I didn't think I was so transparent."

"You're not, really. But Jake reads you pretty well, and you've been on his mind a lot lately. The little things he notices, become noticeable to me when he thinks about you."

"I'm sorry Sam, I don't mean to give you guys more reason to hate me."

"WHAT?! Bella, you have to know we don't hate you. We may not understand you, hell, the fact that you could actually love a bl- I mean vampire, is a bit revolting, but Bella, that's just you. You should be repulsed by us too. The fact that you can love monsters of any kind is a testament to the purity of your soul."

I snorted.

"What?" He looked confused.

"Well, the purity of my soul isn't a discussion I've had in a few months, not since my birthday, as a matter of fact."

"Oh?"

Shit. I'd said too much. I didn't want to get into this with anyone, least of all Sam. I looked out the window trying to hide my blush.

"You don't have to talk about it Bella. Bella?" I looked up.

"I'd always assumed that he'd used his vampire "voodoo" to put you under a spell. That's not how it was for you was it?" He phrased it as a question, but I knew it was rhetorical. He knew. He was just beginning to understand just how deep I'd been. By choice.

"Let me ask you something else Bella."

"Okay."

"When Jake started phasing, and cut off contact, you were unbelievably stubborn, you weren't taking no for an answer. I mean I know you thought Jake was in some king of trouble, but really, you demanded an explanation. When they left, you just curled up and took it. Why is that? Why haven't you tried to get the answers you so obviously need?"

"I don't need any answers Sam, he doesn't love me. I can't make him love me, there's nothing for me to ask really."

"Okay, so what's the problem then? Do you still want him to love you?"

"What?" I was shocked he was being so blunt and intrusive.

"Bella, I call BS. You can't actually accept that he doesn't love you, or you'd be reacting to it. You'd be pissed, or scorned, I don't know, _something. _You're avoiding, that tells me, you're in denial. That tells me nothing is resolved for you. Now you've got to ask yourself, why did you demand and answer from Jake, you friend, and not _him_, who was supposed to love you? Do you really have him on that high of a pedestal, that you don't think you even deserve an explanation? Or at the very least an opportunity to tell him off?"

"I don't know where they are Sam, how could I demand anything."

"So if you could find them, you would. You would take him back, still."

"No. I…I didn't say that…I don't know. I don't think so?" I was stuttering and confused and shocked. Why did I just roll over for Edward and not Jake.

"Cause let me tell you Bella, you're acting like the quiet girl that got dumped by the quarterback, and if that's what you're thinking, that he was better than you? That is seriously fucked up. Don't interrupt, I'm on a roll. Jake cares about you, I'm not sure it's love, but it sure as hell is headed that way. You need to get some shit straight in your head before you make a decision about Jake one way or the other. If you're still looking for answers, then get them. It shouldn't be too hard to find a doctor for crying out loud. They're not Nomads. I'm sure _Dr. Cullen_ has been in touch with the hospital for consultations and follow ups. Where he is, the rest are sure to be near. What? Has this really never occurred to you before?"

"I…." I was stunned. I was staring at Sam slack jawed. I must have stopped breathing, because he said "Breathe Bella." It really had never occurred to me to try to find them. What is wrong with me?

And just like that, my universe shifted. How had I been so stupid? Did I really think it was impossible? What about the AMA for John's sake? We know they tend to stay in the North. We know they were headed east, the cover story was already set up for Dartmouth by Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper, not that they'd head there now, not with me knowing about it… But still, Carlise might be using a different name, in the new location, but then I knew a few of those names, the name on the credit card Alice had used when we'd gone to Phoenix. The name Jasper had used at the hotel in Phoenix. My mind was racing, the wheels were spinning. Sam broke my musing.

"Bella, I'm not suggesting you go tracking vampires, God knows, my advice would be to stay as far-the-hell-_away_ from them as you can. But, you can't live in limbo. In a normal break up, you at least get a chance at a rebuttal, to vandalize his car, or locker, or to tell the jerk to go to hell, although in this case he's headed there anyway, but still, maybe just having an address to send the hate mail to would help."

I flinched at the hell comment. I wondered how Sam would feel to know that Edward agreed with him on that count.

"I think you're right Sam. I have a few ideas, I can do some google searches. I might even be able to talk deputy Mark into tracing a credit card…" For the first time in a long time, I felt energized, like I had a project that didn't involve conjuring hallucinations. "You're not going to think about this while you're a wolf are you?"

"No way, I don't want to get blamed for planting this idea in your head, though it's better than cliff diving at least. And Bell?" I looked up at him, "Atta girl." He grinned. "I knew you had a backbone in there, I've seen you use to defend others, I just think it's time you use it to stand up for yourself."

We were at my house. Apparently we'd been there awhile sitting in the truck. Sam helped me in with the groceries and convinced me to at least come to La Push tomorrow during the funeral, that way the pack wouldn't be divided. I would stay at Jake's house with him, while Jared and Embry patrolled and the rest of the pack would attend the funeral. Harry was on the tribal counsel and was one of only three elders who knew the truth about the wolves. They all wanted to be there, but not with Victoria still in the picture.

I made two lasagnas, while they were baking, I went to my dad's closet, pulled out his dress shirt and ironed for him. I checked his dress shoes and shined them up. I hung his suit and shirt on the hook on the back of his door. One less thing he'd have to mess with. We weren't very good at declaring our feelings, but I hoped my actions showed him that I love him.

By the time the lasagna was done, it was pretty late. Jake showed up in his car, Sam took it, and one pan of lasagna back to La Push.

Jake and I ate dinner, did the dishes and talked about the funeral and nothing else in particular. He gave me a quick hug, told me to get some rest, he was going to take a couple of pieces of lasagna out for Quil and Embry and phase so they could eat in human form while he ran patrol.

I showered and took my pill and climbed into bed exhausted. This time, I had a lot to ponder before falling asleep. I wouldn't be able to spend much time on the computer tomorrow, but school started the next day, and I have a study hall. The computer lab at school was connected to high speed internet, that would help, hopefully. Hope. I hadn't allowed myself the risk of hope in so long. It was grim hope. What would I accomplish, really? Finding them wouldn't bring them back. I'd just get rejected again. But maybe Sam was right. Maybe I just needed to get a few things off of my chest. Or maybe I just needed to have that option. I didn't have to actually have to contact them, maybe it would help to just know where they were. To prove to my crazy brain that they were in fact real.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up screaming. Again. The dream had been different this time though. It wasn't me wandering aimlessly in the forest. I was surrounded by all of the Cullens. I was asking them to please just talk to me. They were shaking there heads at me. Alice and Carlisle looked so sad. The rest of the family each had varying expressions of dismay on their faces. I couldn't understand if they were appalled at my audacity for looking for an explanation, or disgusted by me and my humanity. Rosalie's expression was pretty easy to read, she was impatient and just wanted me gone.

Edward wasn't in this dream. I can't even begin to comprehend what that means. Maybe it was self preservation. Maybe I wasn't able to face him in my dreams, but I was strong enough to think about the rest of them?

I groaned and got out of bed. I went to the closet and grabbed some clothes, grabbed by bathroom bag and headed to the bathroom. I climbed into the shower only to discover I was out of shampoo. Damn it! I very carefully stepped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel and headed back to my room. After fishing around in my closet I found the gift set of shampoo and conditioner Renee got me for Christmas. I got back into the shower and got started all over again. I liked this new shampoo. It smelled fresh and clean. No more strawberries. I decided to use the conditioner too. When I got out I noticed there was something called a glossing cream and sheer shine mist, I decided to use them too. I really like the results, my hair had never been so shiny.

Strange how that seemed to affect my mood. I looked pretty good. Except my clothes. They hung on me. I knew I'd lost a little weight, but this was ridiculous!

I went back to the closet and started over again. I found some smaller jeans and a tank and sweater. They had tags on them. Alice. I'd been making a concerted effort to avoid that part of my closet. I'd almost forgotten all the things Alice had forced on me over the course of just a few months. She always preferred everything a couple sizes too small. They fit okay now though. I started to get disgusted with wearing clothes from _them,_ but my practical side won out. I couldn't very well return anything without a receipt, and I didn't have an address for Alice, so why waste perfectly good clothes? Besides, thanks to my new shampoo, I was feeling better about looking good. And in this outfit, I look good!

After I'd eaten breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen, I had a few minutes before I needed to leave for La Push, so I spent a little time straightening up my room, and making my bed. I looked around. My room looked downright shabby. The paint was old, the curtains were faded and the bulletin board had artwork from when I was ten. I absentmindedly wondered if changing my room would change my dreams. I snorted at the thought. But there was a tiny voice asking me what would it hurt to find out. Jacob arrived on foot and we headed to the Black's house in my truck. He looked exhausted having been out on patrol all night. Once there, he crashed and I looked for something to watch on TV.

My mind started wandering again. I thought about my list, I thought about my talk with Sam. I thought about my dream and my room. I thought about my mom, and Christmas. She and Phil had offered to come to Forks for the holiday, but I convinced them to stay in Florida. They'd sent entirely too many gifts. Phil playing for the Rays had definitely increased their disposable income. I tried to remember all the things, I'm not even sure I opened everything. I remember through the fog of being numb, feeling uncomfortable opening so many gifts in front of Charlie. He did so much for me on a daily basis, I didn't want him feeling inadequate about gift giving because of Renee going overboard. I'd better go through my closet when I get home to see what I thanked her for that I don't even remember now.

I watched a program on HGTV about remodeling a room on a budget. They made it look pretty easy. Fresh paint, new bed linens, rearrange the furniture and the room looked completely different. I could do this. I was actually getting a little excited. I could get rid of the lace curtains and put up those honeycomb blinds that open from the top down or bottom up. Maybe paint one wall a rich chocolate color and use a different color on the other three. I could move the furniture around too. I always wandered why Charlie didn't have the desk near the window. The bed could be over near the door, on the side wall, and the dresser would go where the bed is now, the mirror probably would catch more light near the window and brighten the room. Maybe when Jake wakes up I'll ask for his help. We could rearrange furniture today and plan on painting later this week. I know the hardware store has those kind of blinds, but I'm pretty sure you can order them online too. One more thing to check on Monday at school.

Maybe I could ask Angela for help coming up with a color scheme, her house is warm and inviting, maybe her mom would have some ideas. That would help with the second item on my list too. I want to strengthen my relationship with Angela, this would give us something to focus on, other than how I'm "doing." I like Angela a lot, but sometimes she's a little to perceptive. I'm not quite ready for that kind of therapy yet, but a cheap remodel might be fun, maybe even a little liberating.

I started to drift off too. I shouldn't still be tired, but I felt so warm and safe here, I never seemed to have any trouble sleeping. I never have nightmares here either.

I woke much later to a growling stomach, not mine, Jake's. I slid off the couch without waking him and headed to the kitchen to make some lunch. I finished the soup and sandwiches and headed back into the living room to wake him just as a very loud, piercing howl ripped through the silence.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews and PMs. I'm enjoying this process so far. I know my storyline doesn't necessarily follow the time line set by New Moon, but that's kind of the point. I don't have a beta, so please feel free to point out grammar and spelling errors.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns most of the characters and the original stories, I'm just having fun making up my own version of events.

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Jake jerked awake with a start. "What? Who's that?" He looked confused and alarmed. He stared at me for a second while I stared back.

"Who's howling?" I asked, just as another agonized, piercing howl ripped through the quiet. He looked confused, then alarmed. He jumped off the couch with a curse and ran to the door, flung it open to listen more carefully. "Damn it! Shit! Now is not a good time for this to be happening." He was almost mumbling as he started to pace. He looked at me, looked back at the door and seemed to be making a decision.

"Jake, who's howling? Don't you need to go find out what's going on?"

"Yeah, I do, but here's the thing, I don't recognize either of those wolves, which means the pack has two new members and everybody who's not on patrol is probably at the Clearwater's right now. Shit! Sorry Bells, stay here, I gotta go check this out. When me dad gets here, tell him what's going on. DO NOT GO HOME UNLESS ONE OF US IS WITH YOU! You got me?"

"Loud and clear Jake! Get out of here and go help whoever that is!"

The howling hadn't stopped, it just went on and on. Whomever was out there sounded like they were in agony. My memories of Jake telling me about his first time phasing came back to me. Now there were two wolves out there, neither of them knew what was happening. They could hear each other and possibly Paul and Embry. They must be terrified. Jake needed to phase fast and help them understand before they went wandering through La Push terrorizing the locals or, worse, got spotted by Charlie. Ah Crap, Charlie. He surely heard all of that. I hope Billy had a plan to get him out of here before this situation got entirely out of hand. Now I'm pacing. Great.

I made my way back to the kitchen and remembered lunch sitting there untouched. My appetite had evaporated with the first howl, certain that it meant Victoria was back. Relief washed through me, the afterglow of the adrenalin was making my legs weak. I had to sit down. As I was berating myself for being such a wuss, I remembered my list. I need to take better care of myself if I plan to get better. That means eating regularly, even when I'm stressed out. I took a bite of the sandwich and slowly, my appetite returned. I finished my soup and my sandwich, wrapped up Jake's for later and cleaned up the kitchen.

Just as I was running out of things to do and was seriously contemplating calling Emily to find out what she knew, Jake came back.

"So?" I practically pounced as soon as he walked through the door.

"Well, this shit just gets more freaky every damned day! The good news and the bad news is that we have to new wolves in the pack. They're both still out there, trying to calm down enough to phase back. The freaky news is that they're siblings, and not twins, one is four years older than the other, so them phasing on the same day is bizarre enough, but under the circumstances, I guess it's understandable…our ancestors sure as hell never prepared us for this one" He continued muttering under his breath, he seemed to have gotten lost in thought.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. "Jake! Please! You're killing me here. What is going on? Who are the new wolves?"

"Harry's kids."

_What? _"Harry Clearwater? Seth? I didn't know Seth had a younger brother, four years? Is he ten? That's really young. I thought you had to be close to puberty for the change to happen." I was about to continue but I realized Jake was saying my name trying to interrupt. I guess it's my turn to ramble.

"Bella, no Seth doesn't have a younger brother. The Clearwater's have only two kids, four years apart. Seth and Leah."

_Noooo. _"Leah?" He just nodded. "Leah Clearwater is a werewolf? Is that even possible?"

He sort of chuckled and snorted, "Well apparently it is, because she's out there right now, making no effort at all to calm down, because she's too busy reading Sam the riot act for keeping this from her all this time. Poor Seth is desperately trying to phase back just to get the hell away from her. Sam told the rest of us to phase back. He's running patrol, while trying to talk them down. Poor bastard, he's going to have Leah in his head all the time now. You know on the surface she seems like she was handling the whole Emily situation pretty well, but man, one look, or I guess I should say listen, to her thoughts gives new meaning to the phrase woman scorned. Shoot, I started to feel guilty and I didn't have anything to do with it! He wants Billy to clue in Sue, since she will be taking Harry's place on the tribal council now. Damn it! I gotta make a phone call real quick okay?"

Jake called Billy at the Clearwater's, apparently, both kids just "took off" after the service and Sue was very upset, of course Charlie was trying to convince Billy to help organize a search party, while Billy was trying to convince Charlie and Sue, that they would be all right and just needed some time to themselves. They'd just lost there dad after all, and were still reeling from that. They probably didn't want to be around a bunch of people right now. They know the area well and probably had a favorite spot they would got to just to be quiet and think. They were successful in putting Charlie off, and he had headed home, he knew I was with Jake and would be home later. Once Charlie was gone, Billy planned to let Sue know what was really going on. Jake might be needed to give a "demo" since Sue had no idea before today that the legends were true. So we waited some more.

While we waited, Jake was on the phone a lot with the other pack members, they'd been ordered by Sam to stay in there human form until they heard a signal from him, but that didn't stop them from trying to keep tabs on their newest pack members. Embry and Quil were in the woods with cell phones, to see if they could catch a glimpse. They had called Jake a few times to check in, apparently Seth was enjoying the speed of running as a wolf and Leah was still pissed.

I finally convinced him to eat his cold sandwich and reheated soup, he then polished off a bag of chips and two more cans of rootbeer, before we finally heard the familiar sound of Billy's truck on the gravel drive.

Jake went out to help Billy into the house and came back in with Sue Clearwater in tow as well. She looked all kinds of upset. Grieving, frazzled, put out and skeptical. The woman looked like she was ready to snap. Apparently Billy had tried to tell her without the demo.

He and Jake were talking about what was going on, I could tell that she was trying to process the latest information, but had reached critical mass. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass, filled it with ice and pulled the bottle of scotch out from under the sink that Billy didn't know Jake knew about. I poured a generous three fingers in the glass, put the cap back on the bottle, but left it out. If ever there was a time for a person to need a good stiff drink, this was it.

I handed Sue the glass as I re-entered the living room, she took and took two big gulps before looking at me with grateful eyes. At the same time Billy and Jake were turning toward the door, with a "let's get this show on the road" backwards glance. When Billy noticed the glass, he first looked at Sue, then me, then back at Sue.

"Sue, I'm not sure that's the best idea right now…"

I cut him off, "Billy, just give her a minute. She's got a lot to process, a little numbness can only help at this point. We don't need her going into shock next right?" Billy sighed and nodded. "Sorry, just got so focused on the reality, didn't look at the impact."

Sue was calmer now. "So it's true then?" She wasn't looking at the guys, she was staring expectantly at me. My first instinct was she was looking for some division of the sexes, then I realized, reality about the wolves meant reality about the Cullen's. Sue knew enough from Charlie and Harry to know that I would be very knowledgeable on that particular topic. My chest was aching and all I could do was nod my head. Finally I was able to speak, "Yeah, it's true. All of it. And the Cullen's aren't the only vampires around here. The kind that make people their meals have been around too. The Cullens' saved me from one, pack saved me from another, and there's third one still trying."

Her eyes opened even wider in shock. "Why you?" she whispered.

"It's a long story Sue, remember last spring when I went to Phoenix and ended up in the hospital?" She nodded. And so I proceeded to tell her everything, about Edward, Alice the rest of the Cullens, about James and his coven. About Laurent coming back to check out the situation for Victoria, everything. By the time I got to them leaving, I had my arms wrapped tightly around my chest - no lungs- Jake wrapped his arm around me protectively and it helped, a little.

It was clear that Billy had never really bought the story, even after hearing it from Sam, he seemed to now though. Sue had almost finished her drink, she handed her glass to Jake and asked if he'd mind putting some coke on top of the scotch. He got up to do so, and she turned to me, and said, "Okay, everything you've told me so far makes sense, but according to our legends, vampires mate for life, almost like imprinting. If this Edward is yours, why did they leave?"

Jake had heard the last part of the question and snarled, "Because he's a lying, filthy bloodsucker, not capable of actual love and left Bella when he got _bored_." He was snarling by the end of his statement and Billy looked immediately toward Jake's hands to gauge whether he was trembling. He wasn't, he was in perfect control. Sue had been watching me throughout the outburst, she didn't say anymore, but gave a look that only a mother can. It was a look that said we'll talk about _this_ later little miss. I don't know why, but I felt like I was about to get grounded for breaking curfew. She broke the spell by looking at Jake and said, okay big guy, I've had my liquid courage, only one piece of the puzzle left, show me.

Jake nodded and said, "Not in here." At her confused expression, he continued, "We're not typical wolves Sue, there's not enough room in here. You guys head out onto the back porch I'll be out in a minute."

We did as instructed, Sue took over steering Billy's wheelchair and we waited. When Jake squeezed past us to get to the back yard, I noticed he'd changed into his oldest, rattiest pair of shorts.

"Normally, we go into the woods and strip down. We fold our shorts up and attach them to the chord at our ankle," he pointed down, "that way we have clothes with us wherever we are when we phase back. But, since this is your first time, and I know you to be a 'see it to believe it' kind of lady, I'm going to phase in front of you, then I'll head into the woods to phase back so I don't scandalize anybody. That's what this second pair of shorts are for. Okay?" My face must have been twelve shades of red. Of course I'd noticed that all the boys wore a thin leather strap wrapped three times around their ankle, and that they always wore only shorts, I'd just never considered why before. Sue nodded, Billy looked proud and Jake looked at me. "Bella? You okay? You want to wait inside?" He looked so uncertain, like he was expecting me to be repulsed and run screaming. "I'm good," I nodded.

I couldn't help it, my arms wound around me at the memory of all the times Edward and looked at me like that. Afraid that I would, "finally see him for the monster he is and run away screaming." It set my jaw on edge, how delicate they both think I am. Think? Do I really believe Edward thinks of me at all? Thought then.

With that Jake jogged over the hedge by the garage, turned to back around so that his path would cross right in front of us and took two running steps, leaped into the air and landed on all fours in all of his enormous russet wolf glory. Sue gasped, and then slowly her expression changed to awe. Billy was glowing with pride in his son, my expression must have been something else, because Jake slowly approached me, even with me on the porch he had to bend his head down a little to look into my eyes, when I smiled and said, "Jacob? Wow!"

He made a sound that sounded an awful lot like laughter. He bent his head lower, toward my hand so I could touch his fur, I was absent mindedly stroking when I realized Sue was doing the same. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, she was whispering "thank you Jacob, look after my babies," over and over. He turned to her and nodded his understanding and headed into the forest to phase back.

When he came back, he had news from Sam, Seth had managed to settle down enough to phase back. He was headed back the Clearwater's to get dressed and get some clothes to take to Leah to put on once she calms down.

Jake was in awe, Seth had phased back faster than Jake. He commented that Seth was so laid back, it would probably take a lot to provoke him into phasing without meaning too. He' be in control very quickly. Sue looked meaningfully at Jake and said, "Yeah those two are like night and day, Seth always looking for the silver lining, Leah always cursing the clouds." Jake snorted a little, and said, "Yeah, I wouldn't expect Leah home tonight, you might want to think up a story for Charlie when he calls. He's going to want to go looking for her if she's not home by dark."

Billy spoke up, "Actually, Emily called and said Leah was with her, that's how we convinced Charlie to head home. Maybe you should head back too Bella, it'll be dark soon, Jake can ride with you, he'd be starting his patrol soon anyway, right Jake?" Jake nodded and we said our goodbyes. There was something different in the way Billy looked at me. I couldn't place it, almost like pity, or maybe remorse? I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was on his mind.

Sue grabbed me into a tight hug and asked me to come by the house to see her tomorrow, she said she needed a woman's perspective on all of this. I happily agreed. On the way home I thought about what Sue had said. Emily was her niece, why wouldn't she go to her for a "woman's perspective"? Then I remembered the look she gave me when we were talking about the Cullen's. She didn't want the opinion of the "wolf girl" she wanted to have a talk with the "vampire girl." This ought to be fun.

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So, hope you enjoy the story so far. Let me know, any thoughts and speculation are always welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

_On the way home I thought about what Sue had said. Emily was her niece, why wouldn't she go to her for a "woman's perspective"? Then I remembered the look she gave me when we were talking about the Cullen's. She didn't want the opinion of the "wolf girl" she wanted to have a talk with the "vampire girl." This ought to be fun. _

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_

First things first though. I had to talk to Jake. I've been putting this off long enough, I need to take responsibility for my own actions and face reality before I'm any good for anyone.

"Jake, we need to talk. Geez that sounded bad."

"Yeah it really did Bella. Look, I already know what you're going to say, okay? I get it, but like I told you, I'll wait. The pin is out of the grenade for me now, remember?"

"I remember Jake, but I haven't told you everything. You think you know what happened to me, but I don't think you do. You need to know it all. Maybe after you know everything, you'll think twice about being patient." He started to interrupt again, but I just held up my hand and pleaded, "Please Jake, just let me get this out all at once. This is going to be hard for me to say, and probably hard for you to hear, so please, just don't say anything until I'm finished okay?" He nodded.

"Okay, I know that you saw the outside effects of Edward leaving, but I never told you about what was going on inside. You remember the day I brought you the motorcycles?" He nodded. "That was the first day since the day he left, that I was unable to make myself numb. I don't know how to describe it, I'm sure there are doctors who could explain what my mind was doing, but I can only describe it as keeping myself numb. It was like I could create this fog around myself, if I didn't allow myself any free time, didn't allow my mind to wander, I could just live in that fog. Of course it didn't work while I was sleeping, I had, no I HAVE nightmares. I wake up screaming most nights."

"You know what I dream about? I dream that I'm still in the woods, still trying to follow Edward, and eventually, I can't remember what I'm trying to find. Don't you see Jake? I'm still terrified of losing the _memory_ of him. When he left, he promised it would be as if he never existed, that he shouldn't exist. I know you agree, with that." He nodded and snorted. "But I don't Jake. Don't you see, I'm not getting over him. I haven't really even been trying to. I'm not sure I can, or that I really even want to. The idea of living as if he never existed is scarier to me than anything else, even Victoria."

It was very still in the truck for several moments before I continued. "There's more Jake, I hear his voice." At this, Jakes eyes grew wide and almost frightened. "When I'm doing something reckless or stupid, or something I know he wouldn't approve of, I can hear his voice. The first time was in Port Angeles, the night before I found the motorcycles. There were these guys hanging out by a bar. They looked familiar to me. Last year, Edward rescued me from some drunken men in Port Angeles, he was furious with them. That was the night I told him I knew what he was. You see? Anyway, this year, I was in Port Angeles with Jessica, because Charlie had threatened to send me to Jacksonville, and I see these different guys and Edward's voice is in my head telling me to turn around, to walk away from them, like he still wanted me to be safe. Like he still cared about me. It was the most amazing thing ever." He looked at me for a long time, his expression changing to one of understanding, finally.

"You understand? That's what the bikes were for, but the better I got at riding, the less often I would hear him. Then in the meadow, with Laurent, I could hear Edward telling me to lie, to threaten him. Finding the meadow was all about Edward too. It was our special place. Remember you were surprised that I had gone off the trail? I was with Edward, I had no fear of getting lost. I've used you Jake. I've been spending time with you, and I've been enjoying myself, but I haven't told you what I've been up to."

"Part of it was because I didn't want you to think I was crazy, but the bigger part was, because I knew if I told you the truth, I would have to give up my hallucinations. I wasn't ready to do that. The other day on the beach, I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just trying to hear his voice again." He looked at me with huge eyes, bursting at the seams with all he wanted to say, I held up my hand again. "I know, stupid, I could have been killed. When I thought I was drowning, I heard him and saw him. I was happier than I've been in months. Do you see how messed up that is? You saved me, and I was trying to hold onto the vision of him! Everything has been about him."

"I thought a lot about that later. What my dying would have done to Charlie, and you. I realized how selfish I've been. I made some decisions that night. I want to get well, I'm going to try. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship, but I'm not there yet. I don't want you to wait for me. It's not fair to you, and if I'm really honest, as long as I have you as my safety net, I'll never do what I need to do, to get better."

"There is more you need to understand about just how far "gone" I was. I understood the reality of their existence, I knew they could really only stay in one place for six years at the most. I was willing to go with them Jake. I wanted to be one of them."

Jake started shaking all over, "Easy Jake, breathe, maybe we should get out of the truck for the rest of this okay?"

He just nodded and reached for the door handle, it bent a little in his grasp. Seeing that seemed to affect him, he calmed down enough to say sorry.

Once we were outside, I sat on the tailgate of my truck and he stood a few feet away.

"Bella, you can't be serious! You actually considered letting one of them turn you?"

"Not one of them Jake, Edward. I wanted it to be him. I wanted forever. And you know what really sucks? If he came back today? I'd still want forever. You see Jake, I can't give you my heart, it's not mine to give anymore. I gave it away, and he took it with him, where ever he is. I can't ask you to wait for me, because I know, at least right now, what would happen if I saw him again. I'd walk away, and you can't tell me you'd be okay with that, can you?"

"Would you be okay being 'more than friends' knowing that I wasn't really yours? Knowing if he came back and asked I'd still go to him?"

Jake looked like he was going to be sick, but he shook his head.

"You see, I have to get my heart back before I can give it away again, Jake. Jake? I really want to be able to be that for you, I do, but I'm not and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't want you to wait. I don't want to be your 'only' because you're not my only, or my first. Maybe though, in a few years, we can be each other's last. You're too good to be a rebound, shoot, I'm not even whole enough for that yet." There was a long silence.

"Sorry, you can talk now."

"Thanks," he said sarcastically. Then, "So let me get this straight, after everything he's put you through, you're still in love with him?"

"Yeah. I know it's pathetic, and I am going to work on moving forward, I just had to ask myself some hard questions, and so far the answer is: yes damn it, I still love him."

"Whoa, that is just sick." I smacked his arm and he grinned. "Well Bells, this is pretty messed up, what do we do now? I mean I get it, sort of, and you're right, I would not be okay with you taking that bloodsucker back, but that has very little to do with my feelings for your and more to do with just the UGH factor," he shivered dramatically. "So, you want me to go hone my skills on the unsuspecting rez girls huh? Then come back and try again?"

"No Jake, I want you to try to find someone to be happy with."

"I'm happy with you."

"Really, knowing I still want to be a vamp? Seriously? How would that even work?"

"Oh you want a serious answer? It wouldn't work Bella. There is a treaty. If a Cullen bites a human, the treaty is broken. So, unless you want the Cullens destroyed, you better put that idea out of you head, and fast. I was just humoring you earlier because we both know it's not ever going to happen." He looked fierce and determined.

"But what if it's my choice?"

"Doesn't matter Bella. They signed a treaty, and it's the only thing that kept them safe so far. They break the treaty it's war." He looked so smug, I just wanted to smack him. "It's not going to be an issue Bella, you'll get over him, you'll move on, whether with me or another HUMAN, you won't have to worry about causing a war."

"I'm still betting on me, by the way."

"Jaaaake." I gave my best whine.

He put his hands up in surrender, "I know, I know, I'm just saying."

The rest of the evening went pretty quickly. We talked about how to manage surveillance of 'the bait', as I was now known by the rest of the pack, during the school day. That was becoming a greater fear for me, what if Victoria decided to approach me during the day, in public? Would I go with her to keep everyone else safe, absolutely. Would she let me live long enough for the wolves to find us? Would she dispose of me in front of other humans?

As Jake was closing the tailgate for me, he noticed my bumper was starting to sag. "Damn, that weld isn't holding. You got a shop class at that pale face school?"

"Huh? Yeah, I think so, carpentry, automotive, that kind of stuff?"

He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, that kind of stuff. You should take this to the shop keeper, ask him if he's got some scrap steel and a tig welder. He could patch up your bumper in about 10 minutes. Good as new. I'd offer, but with the pack on alert, I can't get over to Old Quil's to use his gear."

"Yeah, I'll take care of it tomorrow. I'm going to try to see the guidance counselor tomorrow anyway, you know, talk about colleges and stuff. I got my SATs at some point, I know I took it last spring…anyway. It's all part of my plan to start planning my life around what I want instead of letting it happen to me."

"Hey that reminds me, you up for painting my room with me? I totally understand if you want some space for awhile…."

"Don't be stupid Bella, of course I'll help. And I promise to stop mooning over you too. Friends help friends paint, right?"

"Yeah? Good, so listen Bells, get to sleep, we'll be out here watching for the female bloodsucker, so no worries. Charlie must have crashed as soon as he got home. At least he left the porch light on for you. G'night Bells."

"Good night Jake."

"Do friends get goodnight hugs?"

"GOOD NIGHT JAKE"

"Kisses?"

"Jake…"

"OK, Okay, see you tomorrow Bells."

As I got to my room I noticed the box of unopened presents from Renee and Phil. After I took my shower and was ready for bed, I decided to open them. Renee had gotten me a new Blackberry and Phil had gotten me a notebook computer with a program on it that allowed me to tether my computer to the internet through my phone. His note was really sweet. He said Forks may only have dial up internet access, but for some reason, they had a 3G network. So I could have high speed internet, maybe I could even Skype my mom every now and then. I felt really guilty for not having opened them earlier.

My mom's note said I didn't have to use the phone right away, but that she wanted me to have it when I went off to college, and to not worry about the cost, I was added to their plan which was a perk Phil got from the cell phone carrier in Jacksonville for doing some local ads. I guess now that he was wearing a Tampa Bay Rays uniform, he gets endorsement deals.

I plugged both of my new devices in to charge overnight and settled into bed to read the instruction manuals.

I must have drifted off while reading. I woke the next morning and couldn't remember my dreams. Maybe there's something to be said for clearing your conscience.

I was up in time to see Charlie off to work, and showed him my new phone and gave him the number. I made sure he understood that the phone was free, because of the endorsement deal. He seemed somewhat placated by that, and relieved that I would be able to call him from anywhere and vice versa.

I got to school early, and waited in my truck out back by the shop entrance for Mr. Woodrow, the shop teacher. He always parked in back along with the three or four fixer-uppers the various shop classes were working on.

While I was waiting, I decided to try browsing the internet with my new phone. I went to google and typed in the first thing I thought of. As I hit the enter key, I panicked a little. Would he know someone had googled him? Would he be upset? Would it have been better to have searched Edward's name first? Before I could even back out and change my mind the search results were listed. Several medical association sites, a few colleges. Either Carlisle Cullen is a very common name among doctors, or he's easier to find than I could have imagined. Now, if one of these entries is him, what do I do next? One thing is for sure, before I decide, I have to decide to ask Alice to keep her mouth shut.

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**_AN:_**_ So, yeah. Let me know what you think so far. Also, many different directions we could go from here. I'd love to know what you think will happen next. Hope you enjoy it._


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Don't expect daily updates very often okay? I was on a roll with this today, but RL is about to get really busy. Hope you enjoy.**_

_**Disclaimer: SM owns twilight and its characters, I just have fun with my own version of events.  
**_

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_Either Carlisle Cullen is a very common name among doctors, or he's easier to find than I could have imagined. Now, if one of these entries is him, what do I do next? One thing is for sure, before I decide, I have to decide to ask Alice to keep her mouth shut. _

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I must have been distracted, I didn't even get to click on the first link, before I was startled by a tapping on my window. I looked up to see Mr. Woodrow smiling at me. "To what do I owe the pleasure Miss Swan?"

"Oh, umm…" I stuttered as I struggled to roll my window down, "sorry, I was lost in thought. New phone."

"I see."

"Well, my friend Jake, who's done most of the work on my truck, says my bumper needs to be patched and welded. He thought you might be able to do it here? If you have some scrap steel and a… um some kind of welder?"

"Well, let's take a look okay? I do keep scrap metal around and we do have all sorts of welding and cutting tools inside. Normally, when a student comes to me with a repair, I make it a learning opportunity. Interested in learning how to use a cutting torch and tig welder?"

I must have looked dumbfounded, because he just chuckled and shook his head a little. I'm sure he was questioning the wisdom of having a klutz around anything flammable, but he's a shop teacher and he still has all of his fingers, so maybe it would be okay.

When I finally found my voice, we were standing at the back of my truck looking at the bumper.

"Well miss Swan, your friend Jake was right, this is a pretty simple repair. Do you have any free periods in your schedule today?"

"No, um just lunch, but I could skip lunch and come here instead, fifth period?"

"No. That's not necessary. You really shouldn't skip any meals. How about right after school?" The way he said it made my feel guilty and embarrassed at the same time. Even the shop teacher had noticed my weight loss? I was mortified.

I nodded. He said that would give him time to gather the materials. I gave him my keys, he said he'd move my truck inside so it could dry thoroughly by the end of the day. Then we could get right to work.

I walked into school through the shop room. It was weird and backwards, I'd never been to this part of the school before, the side hallways were still dark. I was really early today. I'd still have time to set up an appointment with the guidance counselor before the first bell.

As I entered the office Mrs. Cope was very busy with a huge stack of papers. She looked up and greeted me with that same smile that made me feel welcome and a little creeped out. Like she knew more about me than she should.

"Good morning Mrs. Cope, I was wondering if it's too late to make an appointment with Mrs. Lynes? I know it's late in the year, and she's probably busy with all the juniors getting ready for SAT's and all…" I sort of trailed off.

"Not at all Bella, as a matter of fact, she has an opening during first period this morning. I was supposed to contact you before Spring Break, she hadn't met with you yet, and wanted to check in with you too. I can let Mr. Berty know where you are. Ummm…" she craned her neck around to look at Mrs. Lynes darkened office. "Huh, she's not in yet this morning, but you just wait here okay sweetie? You'll be her first appointment of the day ok?"

I wasn't prepared to have my request met so quickly, and was taken a little off guard. "Wow, that's uh, really great. Um, I hate to just sit here doing nothing, you look like you have a lot to do today, could I help, until she gets here?" No need to sit around and let my mind wander, especially not in this particular room. Too many memories here.

"Such a sweet girl. Bella, that would be terrific! These are transcript request forms. When a student requests that we sent their transcripts to another school or college, we get one of these forms. After we've faxed or mailed the transcript, I mark them with the date and method of transmission here, see?"

"Then we put the form in the students file. Now, if they're currently enrolled, their file is here in this office. If they've already graduated, or left before graduating, their permanent records are filed down the hall in the file room. I'm working on sorting the forms into three piles, currently enrolled students, graduates and students who left or are leaving before graduation. Do you think you can handle that?"

"Um sure, but how will I know whether or not they graduated? I haven't actually been here that long…"

"Oh right! Right. It's marked here in the upper right corner see? If you find one that's not marked, just ask me okay sweetie?"

"Sure Mrs. Cope."

"Okay, since you're getting started on that, I'm going to go let Mr. Berty know where you are, and on the way back, I'm going to the lounge to get coffee, would you like anything hon? They have a soda machine too?"

"No thanks, I'm good."

And with that she was off. I started separating the requests into piles. I was surprised there were so many graduates from last year still requesting transcripts. Maybe I wouldn't be the only person have to lay out a year between high school and college. I'm pretty sure I was too late to get accepted anywhere this late in the game. A lot of my classmates had requested transcripts to be sent to UW. Huh, Jessica Stanley requested transcripts to five colleges in California, UCLA, Berkley, Irvine…. She must be determined to get to California. Hah! I wonder if the Cullens 'relocation' has anything to do with her sudden interest in California? I almost chuckled. Good luck with that Jess. California is a big place and he's not there!

Then the sadness started to envelope me. Yeah, all I knew for sure was that they weren't in California. I don't have any better idea where they are than Jessica Stanley. I know for a fact that Alice hates her. Edward always commented on how "small" her mind was. Of course, apparently he's a very good liar. So that could have been an act too. Maybe he likes small minds. Maybe they're more "distracting" than my stupid, silent brain. I needed to stop this line of thinking, I was spiraling downward and school hadn't even started yet! Get back to work Bella! I reached for the next form on the pile.

And then, my heart started racing, my palms got sweaty and my breathing became labored, right there, on top of the stack, a request from October for Jasper Hale. Jasper had requested that his transcripts be faxed to Cornell in _**October.**_ After my birthday. Not California, obviously. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Do I want to know this? Does it matter? What am I going to do with what I know? What do I know? Is there a number? Address? Email? Do I have time to make a copy before Mrs. Cope gets back?

Yes, yes, yes. Think Bella, act now, don't freeze, don't be stupid. Information is power! Like a super sleuth, I pulled out my new phone and snapped three pictures of the form and saved them, I was fiddling with my phone when Mrs. Cope came back. She noticed and raised an eyebrow. I just held up the phone and said, "My mom has trouble with the time zones, she thought I would still be at home. It's new, I'm still figuring out how to put it on silent, I think I'll just turn it off!" I rolled my eyes to show how silly the chief's "flighty ex-wife" is. Mrs. Cope just chuckled and shook her head and went back to work. Well that was easy and, besides my heart racing and practically beating out of my chest, apparently I didn't look like I was up to anything. I was still sorting when Mrs. Lynes came in and asked Mrs. Cope if she had any appointments this morning. Mrs. Cope indicated me, and Mrs. Lynes asked me to meet her in my office in five minutes.

The meeting with Mrs. Lynes ended on a much more hopeful note than I could have imagined. She said my SAT scores had been forwarded to several schools when I took it last spring. I didn't remember having requested that many schools receive my scores. I remembered that the first three schools were free, after that it was a small fee for each additional school. When she handed my her copy of my SAT scores along with the list of schools which had been sent a copy, I knew immediately who was responsible. It was that damned overbearing, bossy, know-it-all vampire! My scores were sent to every Ivy league school I could think of, a couple of private colleges I'd never heard of and the state universities of every northern state from the East Coast to the West Coast. It must have cost a fortune!

At first I was furious. Then the hole in my chest started to burn. Why had he gone through all the trouble of trying to ensure my choice of colleges if he had no intention of being with me? _WHY? _Seriously, Brown? Boston College? Harvard, Yale, Princeton? On what planet would I ever apply to those schools let alone be able to afford them? My visions was swimming, I was trying desperately to hold my chest together and act normal. I tried to focus on what Mrs. Lynes was telling me. She had taken the liberty of submitting my name to some scholarship committee. This was a newly established endowment scholarship. It was different than traditional scholarships in that it held an open slot at six different universities, and if you were awarded the scholarship, your acceptance to the school of your choice (from those six was guaranteed). She went on about how it was exclusively for girls from small schools. It wasn't based solely on academics, but also on background, interests and family life. You don't have to attend one of the schools listed, but you have a guaranteed acceptance, so why not right? If someone had their heart set on a different school, they would simply have to apply to that school and get accepted in addition to being awarded the scholarship.

She gave me a brochure and was going on about how, she just knew this was the right thing for me. Apparently, Charlie had been very helpful to she and her husband when they'd had trouble with a neighbor, so she felt like she needed to look out for me. When the scholarship committee contacted her for recommendations, she gave them my name. She told me they gave preferential consideration to the daughters of police officers.

We talked about which other colleges were still accepting applications, most state universities were still an option. So I wasn't completely screwed. She was pretty sure I would easily be accepted to UW, because my AP classes in Phoenix would count was college credit, so that I would be able to enroll as a transferring second semester student, not a matriculating freshman. That's a relief, I guess.

She seemed really enthusiastic about the scholarship and thought I had a good chance. I took the scholarship brochure, along with a few college applications and headed to Mr. Berty's class with my note from Mrs. Cope. I sat down in my desk and looked at the brochure a little more closely.

**The Cecelia Brandon-DeVeroux Endowment for Independent Young Ladies**

This endowment covered the cost of tuition, books, fees, room and board as well as a monthly stipend for living expenses. It also extended to graduate school should the recipient choose to continue their education. The six colleges holding places for the recipients of this scholarship seemed bizarre: UW, Arizona State, University of Florida, University of Alaska, University New Orleans and Cornell.

Cornell.

What. The. Hell?

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_**A/N: good? bad? do we sense the hand of an evil little pixie? Let me know what you think so far. **_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Just a recap, Bella has discovered that Jasper requested his transcripts from Forks High School to be faxed to Cornell in October, after the Cullens left. She also found out that a scholarship she is eligible for would mean automatic acceptance into one of six schools including Cornell. She has also googled Carlisle Cullen and had several hits.**_

_**I don't own twilight or the character's.  
**_

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**_I sat through the rest of English in a daze. I'm trying to piece together all of this new information. Jasper is attending Cornell? Maybe. I have been recommended for a scholarship which could land me at Cornell in the fall? What about Carlisle? Most important question of all, do I really want to know? Yes. Should I want to know? No, probably not. What will knowing for sure mean? Do I want to find them? Isn't that kind of stalker, creepy? WHY would I want to find them? UGH! More questions than answers. I must have huffed out loud, Mr. Berty gave me a look.

Okay new question. Why wouldn't I want to contact the Cullens, if that is at all possible? _Because they might not want to hear from me. They left. They covered their tracks. It's clear they wanted to erase themselves from my life. Or more accurately, erase me from theirs_.

My chest was aching again. I had my arms wrapped around myself before I even realized it. Now the anger was back. Mostly at myself this time. Am I really that afraid of rejection that I won't even dare to ask for an explanation? Don't I think I deserve one? _I do deserve answers. I deserve to at least have the courage to ask. I've been rejected once already, the second one won't be any worse than that right?_ So that's it, I'm going to do some searching, if they don't run when Alice tells them my plans, I'll talk to them. I sent up a silent thought to Alice to not hide from me this time.

The rest of my morning classes seemed to fly by. Apparently time flies when you're distracted and trying to focus on class. I noticed a few of my classmates shooting me concerned looks. I wondered if they thought I was slipping back into my zombie state. It's the exact opposite. My mind is racing with all of the possible actions I could take and the possible outcomes. After everything that has happened, I still sincerely hope the rest of the Cullens will allow me to find them, and talk to them. Even if Edward doesn't want me, I need to know what Alice thinks. Of course the old saying actions speak louder than words keeps haunting me. Haven't their actions said enough? NO! I deserve a face to face with my former best friend.

By the time I made it to lunch I was keyed up, nervous and almost nauseated. My mind was working overtime trying to think of the best way to move forward. I sat next to Angela and she asked me how spring break was. I told her, it was quiet, mostly spent hanging out in La Push. She and Ben had gone with her Dad's church group to South America. It had been a missionary trip, to Guatemala, but they did get to see some sights in Brazil before flying back. She pulled a grey velvet pouch out of her back pack and handed it to me. I looked at her in shock and she said, "I know it's kind of cheesy, but there were all of the vendors in the streets and I saw this and thought of you, so, I got it. I hope you like it."

"You really shouldn't have Angela."

"I know, I know, you hate presents, just consider it an early graduation present. Besides, you haven't seen it yet. You might hate it."

I opened the pouch and pulled out a long silver chain with a swan charm at the end of it. It was beautiful. So delicate and thin, the charm was an oval with thin lines of silver creating a swan perched in the center, with wavy lines representing waves and rays of the setting sun reaching the top of the oval. It was breathtaking.

"I love it! Thank you so much."

"Wow, that was easy. I thought you'd put up a fight."

"Well, normally I would, but it's perfect, and I love it. Plus, I'm turning over a new leaf, I'm trying to become a more gracious person, and simply say thank you. So, Thank you." We hugged and she started to say something more, but Ben stopped her with a story about some of the ruins they saw. They were giving each other strange looks that I didn't understand, but I let it go.

Eventually there was a lull in the conversation and I remembered to ask her to help me come up with ideas for redecorating my room. We made plans for her to come over later, we could work on the room and then have dinner.

The rest of the day went much more smoothly. I wasn't as distracted since I'd made up my mind. I was definitely going to try to contact them. I could decide how and when later.

Meeting up with Mr. Woodrow was really kind of cool. I hadn't realized the charge you can get from using power tools. He showed me how to use a cutting torch on the scrap of angle iron, then showed my how to use and arc welder to weld the scrap metal to the underside of my bumper to reinforce it. I had to wear thick welders gloves and a mask, but it was really very cool! So, with my bumper fixed, and a few more steps taken in my get healthy plan, I headed home, I knew Sam was somewhere in the woods watching, but I didn't look for him. I figured if he needed to tell me anything, he'd make an appearance.

I got through my homework, got dinner started and called Jake with my new cell phone number.

About that time Angela showed up, and we got started. She had brought several issues of Better Homes and Gardens with her. Her mom had apparently been very excited with the idea of me remodeling my room and armed Angela with some websites to visit for ideas too. First things first though, we decided to rearrange the furniture. We moved the small furniture to the side first and then prepared the move the bed so that it would be against the wall to the side of the door. The bed was a lot heavier than we thought but luckily Mrs. Weber had also sent over some gliders, after getting a glider under each leg of the bed, we slid it and turned it repeatedly until we got it into place.

As I was going over to where the bed had been to move the night stand I caught the toe of my sock on something and stumbled a little. "Well some things never change, I'm still incapable of walking over a perfectly smooth surface without stumbling" I joked, Angela looked perplexed and then I realized she was looking at the floor where my foot had been. "Bella, looks like you've got a loose floor board there. Look, it's lifted up on one side, it also looks like a piece of paper is sticking out. Did you have a secret hiding place as a kid?" She was smiling as she reached down and slid the floorboard back and forth and tilted it a little to lift it out of the floor.

"No, I've never noticed that before. Maybe the people Charlie bought the house from had a kid with a secret hiding place?"

We were both on our knees and peered into the opening in the floor. Angela reached in and pulled out some folded papers. The she looked in deeper, "Uh Bella, when did your dad buy this house, did they even have cds back then?" She asked as she held up a very familiar looking jewel cd case. Blood was rushing in my ears. I was realized I had been holding my breath when it all came whooshing out with Angela's next find, photos, and a memory card from a camera, my memory card.

Oh no. No. No no no no no no. This can't be happening. He hid all of my things? They were here the whole time? WHY?

I was curled against the nightstand, on the floor gasping for breath. Angela was hovering. Oh, she was speaking, I could tell because when I looked at her, I could see her mouth moving. All I could hear was my gasping over the rushing in my ears. I concentrated on slowing down my breathing and watched her mouth moving, I could finally make out what she was saying. "Bella, what's going on? What is this stuff? What's wrong. Bella, please talk to me, tell me what's going on. Please?"

"Give me a minute okay? Just let me catch my breath."

She nodded and moved back to the hiding place and pulled out a piece of paper, I knew immediately it was the first note Edward had ever left for me. Be Safe. I didn't realize he knew that I'd kept it. It had been tucked into collective works of Shakespeare book, a place holder for Romeo and Juliet. I hadn't touched that book since my birthday.

She handed my the pile and sat down across from me as I looked through the "hidden treasure." Some of the photos had been ripped in half. The pictures of Edward and I. The one before my birthday party, and the one after. I remembered holding them side by side and noting the difference in Edward's expression.

God he was beautiful. In the first picture he was so open, practically glowing with joy. The second picture, looked different to me now. Before he left I thought he looked distant, cold even. Now, after months of agony, I recognized the look in his eyes, the stiff mask on his face. Agony. Hollow. He looked like he was burning and trying desperately not to show it. I recognized that blank mask, I'd seen it when I would catch glimpses of myself over the past months. He looked empty. His stiff stance I'd thought meant he didn't want to be near me, now looked like he was bracing himself. The same reason I had my arms wrapped tightly around my torso again, to dampen the pain from the gaping whole in my chest.

My head was spinning again, I remembered to start breathing again. Angela was still here. I wasn't sure how much I could tell her, but I had to tell her something. Fast.

"These are gifts I received for my eighteenth birthday."

"How did they get here? Bella?"

"Well, when Edward's family left, he thought I should have a clean break. He told me it would be easier to forget him if there were no reminders, like he'd never existed, or at least like we'd never met…"

"What a fucking idiot!"

I was shocked. I'd never heard Angela swear before. Her dad is a minister.

"I'm sorry Bella. I don't want to speak out of turn here, but he's an idiot. What, _we're moving, so let's just quit?_ Who does that? Did he have so little faith that you could make your relationship work? Didn't he think you were worth waiting for? Idiot."

"No Ang. He didn't think he was worth it." As soon as the words left my mouth I knew it was true. How many times had he told me he was a monster? How many times had he bemoaned the 'fact' that he was holding me back. Even the night of the party, we were fighting about him telling me I would be better off with a normal human boyfriend. Damn, Damn, Damn it!

"He always thought he was bad for me. He always thought it was only a matter of time before I'd wake up and realize I deserved better…" I stopped, Angela was looking at me with her mouth hanging open.

"Seriously? Who would have ever guessed that someone so perfect on the outside could be so insecure and messed up on the inside. Why? Did it have something to do with being a foster kid?"

"Orphan. Yeah, I suppose in a way. He lost his parents a long time ago. Carlisle and Esme are wonderful, but the circumstances of their death and his uh… adoption, still haunt him. Crazy right? He always told me I didn't see myself clearly, he never saw himself clearly either."

Angela was quiet for a while. "You know Bella, I think maybe you're both right. Maybe that's why you found each other. You don't see yourself clearly. You're good. I mean truly good. You care about people, even when they don't deserve it. I know you turned down Mike, Eric and Tyler last year. I also know you suggested that Lauren and I ask out Eric and Tyler. I'd bet money you told Mike to accept Jessica's invitation. Lauren? Seriously, she doesn't deserve kindness from you.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I think Edward purposely gave Ben the push he needed to ask me to prom. Both of you are kind and look out for others and forget to look out for yourselves."

"What do you mean? He talked to Ben?"

"No, apparently he was talking to Emmett in Spanish Class about asking me to prom. I know he never would have, he was already starting to talk to you, and staring at you all the time. I think he did it on purpose. He must have noticed that I liked Ben, but was too shy to do anything about it. Why would he do that? The only thing I've ever been able to come up with is that I was your friend."

"He loved you Bella. I have no doubt in my mind that he did. I love Ben and I know he loves me, but it doesn't compare to the way Edward looked at you. He worshipped you. And the best part of watching you two together, was that neither one of you seemed to realize how much the other was completely gone for the other."

"I'm not making sense. I mean you're both beautiful on the outside. On the surface you made the perfect couple. I mean the way you fit together, it was… breathtaking. But when I would watch you guys together, it was like you each completely lost your self-awareness around the other. Like Edward had no idea what you saw in him, he was just lucky you chose him. He lit up like he'd just won they lottery every time you graced him with a smile. Every kiss or touch was a priceless treasure. And I know you. You felt the same way. Like you couldn't figure out how you got so lucky, but were just going with it. Am I right?" I nodded.

"What a mess."

"Yeah."

"Bella, let me ask you something. If he came back, what would you do? I mean, are you over him yet? Do you think you ever will be? Do you want to be?"

"Wow. Well, I've been asking myself those same questions lately. No I'm not over him yet. I'm not sure I'm capable of getting over him. I feel like he was my other half. Wow, that sounds sappy. I'm not sure what's holding me back. Maybe I didn't get closure? Maybe deep down I don't want to let go because I know no one will ever be able to make me feel the way he did, so why bother? I don't know Angela. I have decided though that zombie land is no longer an acceptable place to be. I'm working on changing my life and maybe real distractions will help me heal."

She looked so sad, contemplative. "But if you saw him again?"

I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out all at once. "I like to think I'd be strong enough to demand some answers, but I still love him so, yeah, I'd probably take him back. I don't think I could stay away."

"So if someone else saw him, would you want to know? Even if it meant you still wouldn't necessarily know how to find him? Would you want to know?"

"What do you know Angela? That's a really specific question. Do you know where he is?"

She didn't answer at first. She looked out the window. "Ben thinks I'm crazy. I don't know, maybe I am. Remember I told you about all the street vendors in Brazil? Well, when I saw the swan charm I thought of you. Ben and I were talking about you, and how you seem better lately?" She phrased it as a question, looking at me apologetically. Oh, she felt guilty for talking about me. I gave her what I hope was a reassuring smile.

She continued, "I know it sounds crazy, but I swear I saw Edward out of the corner of my eye. He was in the vendors booth, it was dark out, and he kept his back to me and was wearing a hat. I swear he was carrying on a conversation with the sales lady in Portuguese, prompting her with questions. She was asking me about the charm, who it was for, were we close friends, what did I mean when I said you'd had a rough time lately…sorry, I know you don't like people talking about you, but I figured she was a stranger who didn't know you and I'd never see her again. Anyway, I didn't put the pieces together until we were leaving and this is all in hindsight."

"None of it really registered as it was happening. As I turned to leave I spun back around because I'd almost forgotten my change and I saw him. He was bent over, like he was going to be sick, so I only got his profile, but he had taken his hat of and was running his hand through his hair. I've only ever seen hair like that once before, it had to be Edward. I turned to Ben to point out Edward and when I turned back around no one was there. Ben thinks I imagined the whole thing because I was exhausted and was thinking about you and Edward. I don't know, it seemed so real. Anyway, when I asked the shop lady, she just looked confused and acted like no other customers had been there, but I swear I saw her stuffing a wad of cash into her pocket…. Maybe I am crazy."

"I don't know Angela. Maybe he was there for Spring Break? I guess it's possible. I know he knows a few languages, it's possible Portuguese is one of them. But why wouldn't he just ask you? I don't know. Maybe it was just somebody with similar hair?" He was reading their minds. The saleslady was asking the questions so he could focus on their thoughts and not have to act 'normal' and carry on a conversation. Oh crap. What did he see? Me apparently. And apparently it made him sick. Oh god. The were thinking of _me. Zombie me. Thin, pale, dark circles under my eyes, bandages on my head, wrist hands, slouched in English class with my arms wound tightly around my chest. Oh GOD! Edward saw all of it…. _I can only imagine what Ben was thinking. He's been pretty clear that he thinks Edward needs a thorough ass kicking for hurting me. Oh. My. God.

Charlie stomping up the steps broke our reverie. "Hey girls, what's going on up here? Dinner smells great Bella. Good to see you again Angela!"

"Hey Dad. Yeah, I thought I'd like to rearrange my room. You know, change of pace. I'm thinking of painting too. You don't mind do you?"

"No Bells, I don't mind at all. You know I'm not one for interior design." He chuckled. "I haven't done anything to this room since you were little. It's your room honey, you do whatever you want to it….within reason, let's leave the walls where they are okay?"

Angela and I both laughed at that.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem Chief, we could barely get the bed moved by ourselves." I noticed she'd positioned herself so she was covering the hole in the floor. After Charlie headed downstairs, she moved and said, "I figured this was probably private stuff you didn't necessarily want to share with the Chief."

"Yeah, thanks Ang."

She started to move the floorboard back and reached down and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "Hey Bella, this looks like the last of it. I'm assuming you don't want to put anything back in here, right?" I nodded as she handed me the note and finished putting the board back. I looked up. "I'm going to wash up and head downstairs. I can set the table?"

"Thanks Ang. You're the best."

"Yep. That's me." She smiled.

I opened the note.

Dearest Bella,

I am so very sorry. I'll never deserve you, but I will love you fore eternity. I hope by the time you find these things you are able to remember me fondly.

My greatest wish is for you to have a normal, happy human life. I know I promised peace with no reminders, but I couldn't destroy these mementos. I need to leave some tangible piece of myself with you. You already have my heart, and my soul if it were mine to give. I will always be yours,

My Love Forever,

Edward

I'm crying and laughing. How is it possible that something so sad is making me happy? I am sick. I couldn't help it. I folded the note, put it in my back pocket and headed downstairs. I was smiling. I may not know how to find Edward, but I might be able to find one person who knows where he is. As much as I hate it, I'm not above using Jasper's guilt to get what I want. I am not the same Bella Edward left, it won't be so easy this time. Now I have the truth on my side. He loves me. Get ready Edward, hurricane Bella is headed your way!

"Hey Charlie, dinner's on!" It's going to be a very productive evening.

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**_A/N So, thanks for the kind words. Hope you like it so far. This was a difficult chapter for me. Brace yourselves, Victoria returns soon! _**


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N **_**I thought you might be ready to hear from Edward about now. Hope you enjoy.**

_**I don't own twilight or the character's.  
**_

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**EPOV**

I'd been in Brazil for two months. Victoria's trail had gone cold. I was curled up on the floor in the attic of the tenement building again. All day trying desperately not to think of Bella. To ignore the pain of her loss.

As evening approached the sounds of the streets changed. The "voices" changed as well. No longer so many natives bustling about busily, working and trying to care for their families. Now the sounds from the streets shifted to the sounds of revelry. Tourists drinking and laughing. More English speaking minds. It was a nice distraction. Must be a weekend then, or perhaps there is a cruise ship in the harbor.

I rose to hunt, it'd been at least a month. I'd promised Carlisle I wouldn't allow myself to weaken completely. He, of course, knew it was impossible for one of our kind to starve to death, he'd tried. He was more concerned that lack of feeding left us weakened and weakened our control. It would do no good to spare Bella the nightmare of my existence while risking the lives of other innocents. I was back to living as a nomad again, hiding during the day, only venturing out at night, cloaked in shadows like the monster I am.

I stayed close to the buildings as I headed South toward the national forest. I could see the statue of Christ the Redeemer as I approached the edge of the forest. There were still many humans around. I listened carefully, to avoid any unwanted human encounters. Then I heard the thoughts of a familiar mind. What is Angela Weber doing in Brazil? I listened out further around her, Ben was with her, and her father. They were part of a larger group. I concentrated on their thoughts, some were listening to the tour guide some were talking amongst themselves. They'd just arrived in Rio this morning from Guatemala. They'd spent spring break on a mission trip to help the victims of the latest hurricane that ripped through that area.

That sounds like Angela. She was a genuinely good person. She was always kind to Bella. I buckled over. Unbidden, the images of Bella invaded my mind with tortuous clarity.

Without even realizing I was doing it, I found myself moving closer to Angela. I couldn't seem to stop myself. I was drawn closer. Closer to anyone or anything remotely related to Bella. They were boarding their tour bus. I searched the mind of the driver to determine their destination. He was to drive the group to one of the cantinas in Rio for dinner, then a stop at a local souvenir market on the way to their hotel. They would be leaving in the morning for the airport. This was my only chance. I made my way to the market to wait.

Once I was there I started listening to the thoughts of the locals, and realized I was drawing attention to myself with my appearance. I hadn't planned to be around humans, so hadn't bothered keeping up the charade. I hadn't changed clothes or bathed in weeks. I remedied that situation, buying new clothes and showering in a currently vacant apartment, moving quickly before the tenants returned. Returning to the market, I bought a baseball hat, to cover my hair. I wasn't certain who else was on the trip, but assuming they were all from Forks, I couldn't risk someone recognizing my hair. Humans are usually not observant, but it always seems that my hair is what makes the biggest impression.

I waited impatiently for Angela's group to arrive. I could hear them just a few blocks away, finishing their dinner and preparing to head to the market. I was pleased to be able to listen to Ben and Angela together. Their thoughts of each other were tender and loving. They treasured one another. Each accepted and embraced the others quirks.

They stopped two tents down to look at some silver jewelry. Angela was looking at various necklaces when her eyes landed on an ornate silver swan. Her thoughts immediately turned to Bella. I moved to that tent and entered from the other side. I could hear their voices as Angela pointed the pendant out to Ben and mentioned getting it for Bella.

They were having a discussion about whether Bella would accept it, whether she wears jewelry, these were not the things I needed to know. I wanted new images of her. I needed to have them think more of her. I approached the vender from the other side, keeping my back to Ben and Angela. I offered the lady a months rent to ask the questions I had, without giving away my involvement. She agreed and by the time Angela turned to get her attention I was two feet away, facing the rear of the store, speaking Portuguese to the lady in a low voice.

"Is this for you, or maybe your mother?" she asked.

"No, actually, a friend, her last name is Swan." I braced myself as a breathtaking image of Bella entered Angela's mind. The two of them laughing together, strange, I remember that outing. One of the rare double dates we'd had over the summer. Bella hated allowing me to spend money one her, but agreed that dinner and a movie with Ben and Angela would be acceptable. Had Bella left forks? Was that why Angela's thoughts were of Bella before we'd left?

"This friend and you, are close, yes?"

"Well, we were, I think we will be again, she's had a rough year so far, and sort of closed herself off for a while. But I think she's getting better now."

"What happened to her?"

"She's had her heart broken I'm afraid. She's so loyal, not the type to take that lightly. I don't think she'll ever really get over it, but I hope she at least gets better than she was."

This time I braced myself for an entirely different reason. Images of Bella filled Angela's and Ben's minds. Devastating images. Bella, pale and thin and utterly silent. The dark circles under her haunted, empty eyes. She could almost pass for a vampire she was so pale. Another image of Bella not responding to Angela at lunch, until Angela repeated her name loudly and repeated her questions. More thoughts and images of Bella not returning phone calls, or following through on plans to get together, until Angela gave up and stopped calling, wanting to help but not wanting to push. Bella with a bandage on her head. Bella in a wrist brace. Bella with her arms wound tightly around her torso, as if her ribs were broken, trying hard to pull in a breath. Images of Bella fainting, apparently more than once at school. She looked empty. Absolutely hollow. And God, so thin. She looked like a stiff breeze could snap her in two. What happened to her? There was one image, that came to Angela as she spoke of Bella getting better, they were in the cafeteria, this time Bella smiled at her. Angela asked if she was okay. Bella said, "Not completely, but I'm a little bit better."

While Angela's thoughts were full of kind concern for Bella. Ben's thoughts were protective and furious. It was clear in his mind that he would like the opportunity to give my a good "ass kicking." Oh God. It was all my fault. I had done this to her. I'd known she would be hurt. I assumed she would cry. I never dreamed it would be like this. What have I done? Have I destroyed her completely? Is she so damaged she'll never recover? I've called myself a monster many times, but this, I've never felt like more of a monster.

Angela completed her transaction and turned to Ben. I crumpled. The pain was so intense I couldn't hold it back anymore. I took off my hat and pulled on my hair trying to force the images out of my head. In my attempt to block the images, I'd begun blocking their thoughts.

I heard Angela gasp. She'd turned back around to gather her change and recognized me. 'Edward?' It was as clear as if she'd said it out loud. I saw myself through her thoughts. I didn't look well. She wasn't certain it was me, but was sure enough to point me out to Ben. Ben had already turned toward the street. She turned to reach for him and I took the opportunity to flee like the coward I am. I shoved all the cash I had into the vendor's hand and disappeared around the corner. I kept listening to their thoughts, to see if Angela would convince Ben to look for me. She didn't. Ben was convinced that she was so exhausted that she was seeing things. He was already coaxing her away from the stand, back to her father by the tour bus.

Seeing me had caused Angela's protectiveness for Bella to rise. She was angry with me too. But even in her anger, she wanted an explanation, not violence. She also wanted me to understand just how deeply I'd hurt her friend. I understood. That knowledge was worse than any possible violence I could encounter from human or vampire. I really wish Emmett was here to tear me limb from limb.

What have I done? She was supposed to have a normal life. That's why I left. So she wouldn't be living her life halfway between my world and hers. Not this. This wasn't living.

I clung to the idea of her getting better. There'd been snow in the windows. January perhaps? Surely she was still improving. It's March now. Maybe she was improving still.

Spring break. It's been a year since we tracked James down in Phoenix. A growl escaped involuntarily. I wondered how Bella was spending this spring break. Certainly it was more peaceful than last year.

Well at least she wasn't in the hospital recovering from a vampire attack. Then I felt the panic set in. How could I be so sure? I didn't know with any certainty where Bella was or what she was doing. I didn't know where Victoria was either.

How could I have been so stupid?

I needed to collect myself and come up with a plan. First, how do I verify that Bella is safe without interfering? I can't go back to Forks and check. I can't allow myself that. If I see her, I won't be able to stay away. Even I'm not that masochistic. Leaving her once was nearly impossible. Staying away is killing me, going back would be the death of me, or at least my resolve.

Alice.

Of course. Alice could check. She would have to share her vision, but she could tell me whether Bella is safe.

Then my phone rang. Alice. Of Course.

"Alice."

"Edward. I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is no."

"What do you mean. I thought this is what you wanted. You're the one who said I was being unreasonable. What's change Alice? Alice. Have you seen something? What aren't you telling me?"

"Edward. I haven't seen anything. Literally. As soon as I saw you make your decision, I tried to see Bella. I've got nothing. And before you ask, I can't see Victoria either."

Is it possible for vampires to get sick? "Alice, is she? Do you think you can't see her because she's…." I couldn't bring myself to even say the words out loud.

"No Edward, it's not like that. And I can see Renee too. She looked happy, so I don't think anything has _happened_ to Bella. I just can't _see her._ Come to think of it, I haven't seen Charlie either. Nobody in Forks. I saw Mr. Weber and Angela and Ben in Brazil, when I was checking on you, but I can't see them after they get on their flight tomorrow. It's like the whole town is covered in a fog and I can't get through."

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Let me know what you think!


	8. Chapter 8

_**I don't own twilight or the character's.**_

Dinner went well. Angela, normally quiet and reserved, had no problem at all holding a conversation with the chief. She regaled him with stories of Guatemala and Brazil. He seemed genuinely interested and impressed. I found it odd that he was so fascinated, since he'd hardly shown any interest at all in being anywhere other than forks. He'd only agreed to going to California for our summer visitation because I'd refused to come to Forks after I'd become a teenager.

We spoke a little about college applications. Angela was planning to attend University of Washington in Seattle, so was Ben, of course. Charlie shot me a look without saying a word that let me know he wanted to start in on me again about college applications. So, to diffuse that situation, I told him about the meeting with Mrs. Lynes. I made sure he understood that most state schools were still accepting new students and that my AP classes might work in my favor, allowing me to be considered a transfer student rather than an incoming freshman. I told him about the scholarship program too. I didn't mention all of the colleges holding a slot, but did mention UW and Cornell. Charlie looked shocked at the prospect of Cornell, and more excited than I'd ever seen him. I had to reiterate that I probably wouldn't get it, but that it was an option at least.

After dinner I cleaned up and climbed the steps to my room. I pulled out the new computer Renee and Phil had sent and looked up the Cornell website. There was a search window for finding people. I was trying to remember the name Jasper had used in Arizona, Christian something… I wonder, maybe they'd kept the name Cullen since they were all the way across the country? Or, maybe Jasper kept his first name. I decided to try Jasper first, since it is an unusual name, maybe there would be fewer to look through. The page came up with about thirty entries. I was amazed at the number of people with Jasper as a middle or first name. The list was organized so that students were listed first, then faculty, then alumni.

My eyes fell on the first entry. Jasper W. Hale. Student - Phil. He had kept his name. He was studying philosophy. I wondered if that would help him deal with his gift.

I was suddenly energized. I was practically vibrating with the excitement coursing through me. I clicked on his name, Contact Information. It was all there. Only a vampire with nothing to fear from some deranged stalker would put all of his contact information in a public domain. There was a home number, a cell number, an address in Ithaca, even two email addresses. I got busy copying and pasting his information into my contacts.

Then I thought of another name. Cullen. There were certainly more results this time, but no Emmett, Alice or (flinch) Edward. I clicked on a few of the links, just to see if maybe one of them had the same address as Jasper, maybe Alice decided to go by a different first name this time around? No luck, but as I scrolled down there was another name in the faculty listing. Carlisle. I clicked on his link. Same address as Jasper Hale. Same home phone number. He also had included two email addresses. It looked like one was work related and one was personal.

I. Found. Them.

So? My mind was taunting me. I sounded an awful lot like Lauren at the moment, which made me grimace. Mostly because she had a point. Bitch.

What do I do now? Do they want to hear from me? Were we ever as close as I'd imagined, or was I simply tolerated for Edward's sake? They'd certainly gone along with his plan for a clean break. They'd all disappeared without a word.

Without a trace.

No.

Not without a trace.

They'd left a trail. Jasper could have faked his transcripts quite easily. They could have used any of their many aliases. They'd only have to wait sixty years or so until I was surely dead or too old to be looking for them. No. Cullens were never sloppy. They were meticulous. They had to know I might look for them. They'd made it easy. Too easy. I bet the whole scholarship was their doing too. To lead me in the right direction.

I wanted to be angry. I tried. But I couldn't. If they were behind this somehow. It didn't feel like they were buying me off. It felt like they were bending over backwards to help me. Possibly to lead me back to them. I guess I'd wait until the scholarship committee announced the winner on Friday. If I won, I'd know for sure. But if they were behind this, it meant that they still cared. That I mattered to them.

But where was Alice? There was no Alice Cullen or Alice Hale. Did she decide not to play college student this time? Was she playing high school student again? Jasper would know. He was her mate. I had a pretty good idea what that meant. They were never apart. Ever.

I spent the next TOW HOURS, composing and deleting an email to Jasper. I came up with witty "philosophical" questions like, if a vampire feeds in the woods and no one is there to see him…. I couldn't come up with anything.

The questions I wanted to ask seemed too accusatory. Like, "If it will be as if he never existed, why is there still a whole in my chest where my heart used to be? Or, "If pretending that today might be your last is supposed to help you figure out what really matters, what does pretending that you are immortal help you figure out?" No, not very nice.

I finally decided to be as straight forward as necessary, without including too much information, just on the off chance that this Jasper Hale isn't _the_ Jasper Hale.

* * *

Hi Jasper,

I'm sorry to bother you, but yours was the first name I found. I know that Edward thinks a "clean break" is for the best. I don't agree.

I don't want to cause any trouble for you or your family, Edward included, but I really miss all of you, especially Alice. Please pass along my email address to her. If I don't hear from her, I'll understand. I won't bother any of you again.

Thanks,

Bella

* * *

I wavered again, finally clicked send and closed my computer and went to bed.

I woke and got ready for school the next morning without opening my email and tried really hard not to think about the message I sent to Jasper.

I wasn't exactly back in the fog, but I was working very hard at keeping myself busy, so that I wouldn't have to think about it too much. At lunch Mike asked if I could trade shifts with him tonight. He wanted to go to Port Angeles tonight, and would cover for me tomorrow night. I happily agreed. It would keep me busy until almost bedtime, so I wouldn't be able to check my email until 24 hours after I'd sent mine. I was sure that the Cullens would need a "family meeting" to decide whether and how to respond to my message. I didn't want to become obsessive about checking for a reply, and had decided once every 24 hours was my limit.

Work was slow, but tonight at least I got to work with Mr. Newton. I liked working with him. He was cheerful and easygoing. It was easy to see where Mike got his friendliness and cheerful disposition from. Plus, Mr. Newton didn't have any of the golden retriever attributes that Mike did, so he was even easier to be around.

As I was stocking shelves he brought me an empty box and joked about stocking "backwards." There was a recall of a couple of products and he asked me to compare our stock to the recalled lot numbers and pull any that matched. Perfect, this job would require just enough concentration to keep my thoughts from wandering.

Just before closing time, I heard the bells on the door jingle, indicating a customer. I suppressed a groan and got up from my kneeling position to go to the front of the store. Mr. Newton caught my eye from the cross and aisle and signaled that he had it. I smiled gratefully and turned back toward my work. I could here the conversation at the front of the store though. "Welcome to Newton's how can I help you."

"Well I was wondering if you know who owns the old red truck out front? I'm afraid I hit it while I was trying to straighten out my parking job…" The voice tapered off and my blood ran cold. I'd never heard this person speak before, but I recognized the inhuman, flawless quality of a vampire's voice, like crystal wind chimes tinkling, I'm sure she had a dazzling smile to match and that Mr. Newton was mesmerized. Only one female vampire would be looking for me these days.

Victoria!

"Bella? Could you come up front please? This lovely young lady says she hit your truck. Can't imagine she'd cause much damage though…" he chuckled. I'm dead. I can't run, she'll take him. I don't have a choice. I still had the recall list and some matching lot numbers in my hand as I walked up the aisle, I shoved them into the pocket of the blaze orange work vest and rounded the corner toward the front of the store.

I could feel my face going pale, my hands were cold and my legs felt full of lead… She was in the corner by the register I was by the front door. She looked exactly and nothing like my nightmares at the same time. She'd obviously cleaned up, was wearing conservative clothing, shoes even. She was blending in, James had taught her well. Her hair had been tamed and was pulled into a severe bun. She looked nothing like the wild woman I saw at the ballgame just a year ago. She could easily pass for a secretary or librarian. And she wasn't glaring at me or grinning like my dreams. She had on a pleasant smile.

I pulled my phone out and said, I'll just meet you outside, we can look for any damage and if I have to get a police report, I can call my dad okay? Just let me head back to the break room to clock out." She smiled brightly. "I don't want to cause any trouble. If you all are closing up soon, I could just wait..." she trailed off looking around, nodding meaningfully at Mr. Newton, my heart leaped into my throat.

Thank god Mr. Newton took the hint and said, "No no, that's fine, you go on Bella, I'll clock you out and lock up. I've still got some inventory to check in, I'll be here at least another hour tonight, no need to keep the lady waiting." Good, he'd be locked in, and wouldn't notice my truck hadn't moved for at least an hour. That should be enough to keep him safe.

I went through the door and walked toward my truck, Victoria followed me out the door at a human pace. Oddly, this made me feel better. She wasn't exposing herself to Mr. Newton, she must be planning to let him live. It was strange how calm I felt. "Her eyes were brown, not quite as dark as mine, I thought about the, and then remembered a painting class Renee and I had taken together, red and green make brown. So, green contacts over red eyes. She was well fed. She didn't want to risk losing control when my blood was exposed. Maybe she planned to let me bleed to death without feeding, wasting me, quite literally. I knew that's what she wanted. To waste me. James would have fed, maybe she felt she would be taking his last meal? Who knows how her deranged mind works.

My mind was scrambling for a way out. I was really getting ticked off at Edward for not letting James' venom change me. I wouldn't be so weak, and vulnerable. I wouldn't' keep putting everyone around me in dangers. This line of thinking was getting me more and more worked up and I finally let out a huff and let Victoria in on my thoughts, well, sort of. "You know, killing me won't be the revenge you imagined. Edward left. It's not my life he values, he knows I'll die someday, he doesn't care. He's not even checking in to see if I'm alive. He values my humanity. He wants me to die like a normal human would He refused to turn me." She looked incredulous. "But you're his mate. James was sure of it. Vampires mate for eternity. It's much stronger than human love!"

I shrugged my shoulder's and turned toward her, "He didn't want me to be a vampire. James bit me, did you know that?" I held out my arm to show her the scar.

She grasped my arm tightly and I flinched, that's going to leave a bruise. I'm so stupid sometimes, really? A bruise?

"How?" She was demanding, "He bit you, you should be one of us now." She didn't want to believe it, but the scar was too clear to her vampire vision. I wondered idly if she could recognize James' bite mark?

I shook my head slowly. "Edward sucked the venom out, until my blood tasted clean. I'm his singer, did you know that too?"

Her eyes were impossibly wider. She seemed speechless. She nodded, finally finding her words, "Laurent told me. The Denali coven was having a field day with that tidbit, 'only Edward would fall in love with his singer!'" she quoted in a mocking singsong voice. "As if his control made him somehow better?" She snarled the last bit.

"You're his singer, and his mate. He had a chance to let you change and what? Sucked the venom out himself? How did he not drain you completely?"

She was demanding and explanation. I'm a lousy liar, so I decided I'd better stick with the truth.

I shrugged again, "He doesn't want me to be a vampire. He values my humanity more than my life, more than the chance at eternity with me. We talked about it a lot. In fact, we fought about it. He refused to change me, even when I pointed out that I would die someday, he wouldn't relent. He'd prefer me dead, to being a vampire. He can't read my mind did you know that?" Now, if possible, she almost looked sick.

"He can't read your mind?"

"Nope." I paused, "I always thought that proved I was created specifically for him. My blood sings to him, he _said_ I was his mate and my mind was silent to him. But I guess after a while, he found the mental silence less intriguing and more annoying. What mind reader would want a mental mute for eternity? He really is a masochist you know? If he would have changed me, no more blood, no more burning throat, no more worrying about crushing me accidentally…"

She started to smirk, then started to really laugh. "He never had sex with you did he?" I blushed and she hooted with laughter at my discomfort. "If you showed up as a vampire, he wouldn't be able to stay away from you. Would you be able to stay away from him? After all, why do either of you any favors? He might be upset for awhile, but he'd have his mate after all, I'm sure he'd get over it."

"You really don't understand just how full of self loathing he is. He hates what he is. He refers to himself as a monster. He believes that vampires no longer have souls. In a way, I guess you'd get your revenge on both of us. From what I've heard of the transformation process, there is no torture you could inflict that would be worse….I'd suffer for three days, and then Edward would be tormented for eternity by the loss of my humanity. He hates what he is, he'd hate me for being a vampire too."

"I don't know… you seem a little too eager. I never pegged you for being vindictive. James said you were selfless, that's how he was sure he'd be able to manipulate you so easily. Why the change of heart, hmmm?" She smiled knowingly. "Hell hath no fury a woman scorned, eh?"

I pursed my lips and looked away. I channeled all of my anger and ground out, "He put me through hell when he abandoned me. He left me unprotected, which cost Laurent his life. He made choices about my future without including me. You said vampire mating is stronger than human love. I hope you're right. Because if you're willing, I intend to become a Cullen, but not necessarily his mate."

She cackled with glee. "You don't love him anymore! You can taunt him for eternity! He'll be lovesick and spurned for eternity. It's perfect. Better than I could imagine, and you'll never tell him it was me?"

"Of course not. I'd blame Laurent. Edward can't go after a vampire who's already dead can he?"

"Bella," she sighed my name, and it made me shudder, "this is going to be perfect. I want to see his face when he see's you for the first time."

"I'll text you a picture," I stated wryly as I pulled my blackberry out.

"Do you know how to get in touch with him?" She let go of my arm and the blood started to rush back painfully. I rubbed it absentmindedly.

"Not exactly. I just found an email address for Jasper last night and sent him a message asking him to forward my contact information to Alice. I haven't checked email since then to see if they've responded. I have a pretty good idea where the rest of the Cullens are though, and I'm pretty sure that if Vampire Bella showed up on their doorstep, they'd be able to get to Edward."

"Victoria, how did you get around the wolves? I thought they'd have caught your scent. I was hoping we'd come to an understanding before they got here, but I don't hear them, do you?"

She snickered, "I have a… friend, Riley, he's leading them on a wild goose chase right now, he's wearing my clothes and a red wig. The wolves sense of smell is just like a dog's. I came into town on a coffee truck, it masks the smell. I knew it works for drugs, works for vampires too, apparently."

My heart sank a little. I was hoping they'd be on their way. I hadn't remembered to tell them I was changing my schedule, but had gotten used to someone always being in the woods at school, so I didn't worry about it too much. I figured they'd see my truck and know I was working. At least she wasn't planning to torture me anymore. At least not in the conventional way. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of Victoria changing me, but then again, I guess living death is better than actual death.

"So where do you want to do this? Can I take my truck home? If my dad thinks I'm lost in the woods, it'll take the wolves longer to figure out what's really happened. You'll have to stay out of the area after this too… They won't be too happy about the outcome either."

She was thoughtful for a moment. "Let's go to your house. You can leave your father a note, pretend to run away… We'll make it look like you disappeared from the side of the road, after your piece of shit truck broke down, maybe that will shake the wolves off a little."

She pulled a very heavy looking full length goose down coat out of the back of my truck. "I replaced the down with coffee beans. Looks awful, but keeps the wolves at bay." She smiled and winked at me. She climbed in the passenger seat. "Let's go Bella, I'll let you drive, I can tell you're not going to try anything funny, but keep both hands on the wheel anyway. I'm beginning to think transformation is the perfect penance for you and your Edward."

* * *

**So, hope you liked it. Leave me some love, yeah. Or not.**


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N**_ As promised, this is not your typical, poor, weak human Bella who has to be saved by the mythical creatures she keeps company with. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

I shuddered and started up the old truck and pulled out of the parking lot headed toward my house. My mind was racing. This had started as a stall tactic, to get Victoria away from any innocent bystanders. Now we're headed to my house. _Please, please, please, let Charlie by working late. _I trust her just about as far as I can throw her, which considering she's a vampire and I'm, well me, that's not far at all.

As we turn the corner onto my street I let out the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. Victoria noticed, naturally. She notices everything. I wonder if that's a talent of hers. I remember Laurent telling the Cullens not to underestimate her. And then, Billy saying this one is tricky. She definitely seems to have a knack for evading the wolves.

"You seem relieved. No police car in the drive…. What a strange girl. No sense of self preservation at all." She seems more amused than pissed at this point. She's watching me in much the same way a cat watches a mouse, toying with her meal…

"No, I just want my dad to be safe. He shouldn't be involved in any of this. He doesn't know any of this is real."

She pondered this for a while, then slowly nodded her head, "So, the chief of police, friend of the tribe of wolves, has no idea vampires and werewolves are real? And his daughter is keeping company with both right under his nose? Wow. Not very observant, for a cop."

I felt myself blush in irritation. "I wouldn't say unobservant, he notices a lot. He's just very practical and grounded. So, he always finds a reasonable explanation, he doesn't believe in mythical creatures, so that's not an option that ever occurs to him. It's his kind that keep vampires' and werewolves' secret safe, when you think about it."

"Oh calm down little pet. I wasn't insulting him, just making an observation. Tsk, tsk, you are feisty, for a human. I'd think you'd be shaking in your boots by now." She was watching me carefully again. So I went with the truth.

"Well, I figure, either I'm a vampire, or I'm dead. There's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well say what's one my mind, it may be my only chance. You know there's a chance I won't make it through the transformation. Have you done this before?"

"Why yes I have. It took a few tries to get it right. But, finally Riley made it. He's been very…useful to me. I think I might just start my own small coven. But, newborns are a lot of work." She looked me over again, "Of course, I bet you'd be a tame newborn, since you already know what to expect. The first few months are very confusing, but after you get used to it, you learn to be able to use all of your newly strengthened senses at once. It's really amazing, once you gain a little control."

I shuddered, thinking of the few tries she'd had and how those had ended. More people murdered by Victoria. The missing hikers, had she been trying to turn them, or just thirsty? "Who changed you?"

Her eyes flashed at me. "James." She looked away, her eyes losing focus. "I was supposed to be his meal. I was very good and being evasive. He tracked me for almost a week, in the bayous of Louisiana. _As a human_. He was quite impressed. He decided we'd have more fun playing if I were less breakable." She looked over at me, "Of course he kept me human for a while, there's nothing to compare to the warmth, the challenge of staying in control while being_ intimate_ you know." She smirked. "Or not, perhaps you wouldn't know. Pity. Sex was phenomenal, before and after the change. Of course, human memories fade, but some I replayed over and over, they're still very clear. We did have more fun after the change, I could hide for months with he and Laurent tracking me. I used to toy with them, staying just out of reach, leaving them clues like a treasure hunt. The world's biggest game of hide and seek…" she trailed off sounding wistful. "Then he caught your scent and thought he'd found an even more exciting game." She didn't sound wistful anymore, she sounded pissed again.

"I'm sorry." She was gaping at me.

"You actually mean that don't you?"

I nodded. "I don't like to see anyone harmed. I understand that most vampires drink from humans to survive…James was following his nature."

"Funny, too bad your _COVEN _didn't agree. We could have avoided this whole mess. I still can't understand why the Cullens didn't just change you. James would have been pissed, but he'd still be here. They would have taken away his motivation for tracking you."

I decided to take a chance, I didn't know if James had mentioned Alice to Victoria, but it was certainly a conversation starter. "I don't think that would have stopped him. He lost Alice that way, and killed her creator out of vengeance, I don't' think he'd have taken losing that way twice very well…especially to the coven that already had Alice."

"What the hell are you going on about? Who the _fuck_ is Alice?" Ooooh she looked crazed. James hadn't mentioned Alice.

"Well, in Phoenix, James had some time alone with me before Edward and the others caught up to us. He was taunting Edward, making a video, he said the answer was right in front of him. That he'd been surprised to see Alice in the clearing. She was his singer when she was human. He'd planned on taking her, but another vampire took her from the asylum and changed her. He killed the old vampire and left her while she went through the transformation alone. She woke alone, with no human memories, just visions of Jasper and the Cullens."

She was practically shaking with her anger. I couldn't tell if it was me she was angry with or James. Not that it matters, she seems like a 'kill the messenger' kind of monster. "No," she snarled, "he didn't tell me. It makes sense though. I knew there was more than just your scent for James. Besides the obvious, that ex of yours has a temper, and that made the game much more exciting for James. So it was a trade of sorts, they had his singer, he'd take you? That explains why he wouldn't listen to me when I told him it was time to ditch and regroup, tunnel vision."

"Something like that." I looked down, afraid to look at her eyes, I didn't know if this knowledge would help or hurt her resolve to end me.

We went into the house. Victoria convinced me to leave a vague note for my dad. Nothing that would raise too much suspicion right away. I wrote that I was spending the night with Angela, and that tomorrow after school I was going to Port Angeles and would be home late.

She reminded me to check my email to see if I'd heard back from Jasper. Of course I hadn't. I hadn't really expected to, but it still hurt. Then I wanted to laugh at the irony. I was having hurt feelings about being rejected by one group of vampires while another one was planning to torture me slowly, either ending in my death or transformation. At this point I wasn't sure which was worse. Either way, I knew once the Cullens found out, that would be her end, if the wolves didn't get her first. I'm not sure she cared really, she must have figured out that the wolves would not stop, yet here she was again.

I packed a few things, including my school books and computer, in a bag and we headed back out to the truck. Victoria thought it only fair that the transformation take place at the Cullen's house, so that's where we headed. I almost missed the turn again. She directed me to pull around to the back of the house in front of the garage.

With a flick of her wrist, she broke the lock on the side door and we entered. The power had been disconnected, so it was completely black inside. She pulled a flashlight out of her pocket, "Be prepared, ha ha, I should have been a girl scout!" She shone the light around and found the release for one of the overhead doors and directed me to open it, letting in the moonlight. Of course with her vampire senses, she didn't need the flashlight, that was for my benefit. I'm not sure what I expected being back here, but certainly not what I found. The garage was cavernous, but surprisingly, not empty. Carlisle's Mercedes was there as well as both of Edward's cars. Rosalie, Emmett and Esme had each taken their cars as had Jasper. In the far corner was a car covered with a tarp. Victoria was curious as to what would warrant a cover if the Vanquish didn't. She pulled off the cover to reveal and bright blue Audi Coupe. She let out a low whistle, "It's nice, but I don't get it, it's certainly not as nice as the Vanquish, why would it be covered? Oh wait! Look at plates Bella" she chuckled madly.

My heart broke. 4MYBELLA My mind was back to the trip to the Cullens' house the night of my birthday. "_You know what you'd like, a nice little Audi Coupe, very fast, very quiet." _It wasn't for my birthday, of that I was certain. He was planning ahead, Christmas? Graduation? Maybe he was just hoping the truck would die and he'd be honest saying it's just taking up room in the garage, why don't you drive it? I couldn't find it in myself to be upset about the expense, everything else I'd lost made spending money on a car seem insignificant by comparison. Strange, impending doom put things into perspective for me. It was just money. Apparently, he had more than he could spend in eternity.

My chest was aching, I couldn't hold myself together much longer, it was all too much. Too much sadness, too much loss, too much _pain. _I was getting impatient, "So we're going to do this here? Don't you think the wolves will come snooping around for me?"

"Oh I have a plan my pet, but first, I think maybe we should take your new car for a test drive don't you?"

I couldn't respond. The thought of climbing into the car Edward had obviously planned to give me, before he left, _with her_ caused my entire being to go into lock down. I don't know what my face looked like, but she stopped grinning and the sarcasm was back, "What? No keys?" She looked around and found the work bench with a row of hooks where keys for all of the cars were kept. "Ah, look here. How cute, a silver swan key chain. Audi key, must be the right one." I'll be back in a second!" She winked. She didn't even bother to tell me not to go anywhere, the threat was implicit, she'd find me, and probably someone I cared about, and it would be worse than I'd ever imagined.

She climbed into the car and started it up, "Get the garage door Bella, I wouldn't want to scratch the shiny new toy!" She cackled again, "these vampires are beyond bizarre, buying cars for there pets!" I moved to the next bay door by the light of the headlights and raised the door. Victoria revved the engine and purred over the noise, "Edward certainly has good taste," she looked my up and down, "well at least in cars, that is." She cackled and started to put the car into gear, something in me snapped. I don't know exactly what the last straw was, but I now fully understood the analogy of the camel's back.

She was in _my car _insulting me, and Edward for wanting me. It's nothing new, really. How many times did I question what he could possibly see in me? Finally I had a revelation. IT DOESN'T MATTER. He's MINE. He bought that car for me. It too was MINE. I saw red. Pure rage. Blind fury. My body felt like it had finally come to life after being in suspended animation for months. Maybe it was adrenaline, or stress, or just pure hatred. You know how you hear that people in extreme situations feel like everything was moving in slow motion? It wasn't like that. It was like I was suddenly hyper aware. If I didn't know better, I'd think I suddenly had vampire senses. I felt positively fierce and lethal. Every one of my senses on high alert, ready for battle. I shoved my hands into the pocket of my work vest, and felt the recalled products I'd taken from the store. Without thought and with uncharacteristic speed and accuracy, I pulled one out, snapped it into position and fired just as the tail lights of the Audi cleared the garage.

The flare gun shot into open front window, making instantaneous, flaming contact with Victoria's head. I knew vampires were flammable, but DAMN. She burst into flames instantly. Screeching, losing control of the car as it hurtled through the forest where it finally came to rest against a giant cedar. I covered my ears. I'd never heard such a bone searing sound in my life. Her screams were unlike anything I'd ever heard before. There cause a visceral reaction in me. Like fingernails on a chalkboard to the power of 10, vibrating through my entire body, making my blood run cold and my bones ache. Eventually she stopped as the flames consumed her completely. The fire was sending sparks, thick purple smoke and light into the sky, like a funeral pyre. I guess in some ways it was. It even smelled like incense, and oddly enough, like burning

BOOM! The car exploded, apparently it had a full tank. I heard howling in the distance, I reached into my pocket and sent up another flare for the wolves to follow. I just hoped they'd managed to get to Victoria's friend by now.

I was shaken. I was shaking. Is this what shock feels like? My legs were weak, I made my way to my truck and climbed inside, locking the doors. Not that it would protect me from a vampire, but it at least kept the smoke out, somewhat.

I'd never reacted so violently before. I was shocked with myself. I had so many ideas and feelings swirling through my body when I snapped, it was overwhelming. Under it all was disgust. I was disgusted with myself for always being so weak. For always second guessing my own worth. I was no longer disgusted. No more. I was still furious, but didn't really want to think where I could or should direct that anger next. I'd finally taken a stand. Wow. I'd single-handedly taken out a vampire! I'm not so helpless after all. Who would have ever guessed that Bella Swan could be a badass? Move over Buffy, I found a new technique!

It started as a chuckle and grew into a full belly laugh, before I knew it, I was laughing and sobbing hysterically. I was so _relieved_. She couldn't hurt me or anyone else anymore. I pulled out my last flare gun. I sure hoped I didn't need to use it. I wasn't sure who would be coming, a very relieved wolf or a very pissed off vampire. Suddenly I was exhausted. I curled up on the seat of the truck, flare gun clutched to my chest and waited. Not even sure what I was waiting for, but I knew I couldn't go home until one more vampire was destroyed. I couldn't lead Riley to Charlie. If I were a person of faith, I would pray, instead I just hoped with everything in me that the wolves had caught him and the everyone was finally safe.

* * *

**So, yeah... were you expecting that? **

**What do you think should happen next? **

**Thanks, for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the story or the characters, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just can't seem to let them go!**_

**Standing Up**

**Chapter 10**

As I lay huddled in on myself in the cab of my truck, my thoughts began to drift in on themselves. Why hadn't I heard Edward this time? Surely this was more reckless and dangerous than motorcycles and cliff diving? Maybe it was the medication, or maybe, I was getting better. Maybe knowing the truth made the hallucinations unnecessary. What a let down, I would miss those auditory glimpses of Edward. My mind was drifting, protecting itself by creating a beautiful daydream so I could lose myself for a little while. There is never any question what the best daydreams are made of, so I closed my eyes and could almost see Edward. He was smiling, sort of… he looked pensive.

"Bella, if you didn't want the car you could have just said so" he chuckled. In my mind I sputtered, and started to apologize. Of course my imaginary Edward would have none of that. His velvet voice washing over me, nothing compared to the hallucinations, but the best my memory could do. "Silly Bella, it's just a car. It's nothing compared to you. You're alright?"

I was startled from my reverie by the loudest, longest stream of obscenities I'd ever heard. "!_ NOOOOO. Bella! NO. Aw shit, we're too late. God damn it! OW! Fuck. ...It's hot … FUCK! SHIT!" _I shot up in my seat and began to open my door just as Sam made it into the clearing.

"Jacob NO!" There was a strange timber to Sam's voice, and Jacob stopped dead in his tracks. "Get away from the car. We don't even know if Bella is in there. Can't you smell vampire burning? It has to be the redhead. Let it burn out completely. We need to get Bella's truck out of here. Charlie is already on his way. He can't see Bella's truck here. We need to get it out of here so we can figure out what happened before he goes crazy and starts looking for her. You know he'll jump to the same conclusion you did. This is Bella, Jacob, no way she was in that car with a vamp."

"He's right Jake, let's get out of here." I finally found my voice. The look on his face was heartbreaking. He was so relieved he looked like he was about to pass out. He was stumbling toward me, mumbling incoherently, the sounds coming from him were a mixture of sighs and sobs, all I could make out was "Bella and a thank god" here and there as he stumbled toward me. He was holding his hands up palms in, I realized they must have been burned by the hot metal of the car, he thought I was in there and was trying to get me out.

Sam interrupted the reunion, "Okay get the truck out of here, and meet back at Emily's." The look on his face almost mirrored Jacob's pure relief. But Sam was looking at me as though he was trying to decipher some hidden code. He looked back at the burning car and turned to me with a knowing eyebrow raise. He was definitely going to want to hear this story.

"Jake, maybe you should let me drive, okay buddy?" He just nodded numbly. "You 're hurt, should we go to the hospital?"

"Don't worry about it Bella. I heal fast now remember? The blisters'll be gone by the time we get to Emily's. Just get going before Charlie gets here and asks questions we can't answer, okay?"

On the way back to town, I told Jake that I'd left a note for Charlie that I'd be with Angela tonight. I called her, and she agreed to cover for me, no questions asked, but I knew there would be questions tomorrow. We stopped by the house for a change of clothes and headed on to Emily's.

Jake had recovered from his stupor and now was furious. "I can't believe we let that filthy bloodsucker get that fucking close! Son of a bitch! So this note, with that in play, Charlie wouldn't have even started looking for you until tomorrow night at the earliest! By then, she could have been long gone."

"More likely the day after that actually. Charlie's been working the late shift this week since deputy Mark is on vacation. So he wouldn't have noticed the truck missing until Thursday morning assuming he got home before I would have normally left for school. More likely Thursday afternoon when I didn't make it home from school. Unless the school called…. Yeah, she would have had a nice head start. Of course for all I know, she was planning to mangle the truck and put my mangled body in it to cover her tracks. You know, make it look like I bled to death from my injuries?"

"Like hell she would have Bella. We would have been in on her little secret much sooner. No way she was getting away from us this time. Of course, we all were chasing a decoy. Damn it!" He ground out and slammed his fist into the dashboard.

"Hey, take it easy on the truck Jake. It never hurt anybody!"

He looked over at me sheepishly. "Sorry Bells. Still freaked out that we came that close to losing you again. What is that twice in five days? You going for some sort of record?"

I just shook my head. "Nope, just trying to make it through each day intact. That's all a danger magnet like me can hope for right?"

He chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah. Danger magnet. That sounds about right. At least we caught up to the other bloodsucker. Can you believe that? Dressed in her clothes, wearing a wig. He led us on a wild goose chase all over the territory, it was like he had a map. Never getting quite out of our range before turning back. She knew where we'd stop chasing I guess. Only this time, we weren't going to stop, we'd decided to end this tonight, once and for all."

"He probably did have a map. His job was to divert you guys so she could get to me."

"How'd she get past us? Sam was in the woods outside Newton's and never sensed her, when we went after the other one, he joined the chase."

"Coffee"

"Coffee? The Hell?"

"Yeah. She came into town on a coffee truck, apparently it works the same way on you guys as it does on drug sniffing dogs." At this Jacob gave me a dirty look, "No offense Jake, just relaying the information here. She even had a goose down coat that she'd filled with coffee beans. I'm sure she had an escape route planned, but she never let me know what it was." It occurred to me that it was odd that I was so strangely calm, considering all that had happened. I seemed to be having an almost out of body experience. My answers were detached from emotion, like I'd just watched everything in a film, not actually experienced it.

"I'm shocked she didn't just attack you instantly. How'd you end up at the Cullen's with her? Come to think of it, how'd she end up in a burning car? Don't think I didn't notice the plates by the way."

"It's a long story Jake. I'm sure Sam will have all the same questions, if it's all right, I'd like to wait until we get to Emily's and just tell the story once. Alright?"

"Sure, sure. We're almost there anyway. I guess you don't want to relive it anymore than necessary huh?"

I just nodded.

The rest of the pack was already at Emily's by the time we got there. Of course I wasn't expecting to see Sue, Billy and Mr. Ateara. Apparently, two vampire killings called for a council meeting.

Once we were inside, everyone settled down a bit, which was difficult, the younger wolves had just experienced their first hunt, and it had been successful, they were more than a little keyed up about it.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, it was Sam that called the meeting to order. Jake had mentioned that being Alpha made Sam the automatic chief of the tribe, if they still had a chief, which they don't. They have a tribal council instead.

Sam reported the chain of events to the council members, when he got to the part about finding me at the Cullen's house with a burning vampire in a wrecked car, Billy, Sue and old Quil turned to look at me, each their own version of slack jawed.

Sue recovered first. "Bella, I believe this is where your story picks up. Can you tell us what happened? Are you all right? Did she hurt you at all?"

"I'm fine," I assured her, "she probably left a few bruises on my arm, but it was unintentional, if she was trying to hurt me I'd be dead." The wolves all nodded and mumbled in agreement, a couple even rolled their eyes and snorted as if saying, "No shit Sherlock!" I proceeded to recount everything that happened from the time Victoria entered Newton's until the car exploded. There were a couple of outbursts here and there, especially when I revealed Victoria's discovery about coffee beans. When I'd gotten to the part about convincing Victoria to change me rather than kill me, most of the pack nodded in approval, murmuring that was quick thinking on my part. However, the council members along with Jake and Emily were strangely quiet. Each looking at me and each other in silent communication. There was more grumbling about the car and the license plates on it. Sam seemed particularly upset by that detail.

"Charlie's going to know the car was for Bella, it doesn't make any sense, why didn't they get rid of the car when they left? Where they planning to give it to you later? Are they coming back?" Sam was really just talking to himself, but the rhetorical question felt like it had ripped straight through me, leaving a gaping hole in my chest.

I shook my head. "No. They won't be back. Money means nothing to them, or cars. They have all the time in the world. They could come back in fifty years, or a hundred, and that car will be a priceless classic. Everything they left here is disposable." _Including me, _I thought. _I'm temporary_ and Edward was determined to keep me that way.

Finally the awkward silence was broken, "Well, that's sure a first. Who knew a human could actually take out a bloodsucker!" Billy was grinning as he spoke. "I'm very proud of you Bella. You showed immeasurable courage and kept your wits about you, when others would have surely panicked or been frozen in fear," his grin faded and his face took on the seriousness of all the ages when he continued, "but tell me Bella, were you really prepared to let her change you?"

The room fell completely silent. All eyes were on me, and since I've never been able to lie, I tried avoiding, "I think she would have ended up killing me anyway Billy. She said she'd had to practice a lot before she was able to turn Riley without killing him. I figured I was dead either way, but if she decided to change me, maybe she wouldn't torture me to death first. I was really just hoping a bunch of wolves would show up…" Each member of the pack looked down, ashamed, "hey guys, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant I was stretching it out you know? It all worked out in the end anyway right? Besides, now we have a new method of vampire elimination, even mere mortals can use!" That seemed to appease them all, and they were happy and rowdy again.

"Okay Buffy, let's get you home so you can get some sleep huh?" Billy was at my side, but Sue interjected, "Billy, why don't you let Bella stay at my place tonight? Leah and Seth will be on patrol, and I could use the company." Billy nodded, and turned to talk to Sam some more. It didn't look like the party would be breaking up anytime soon, so Sue and I made our goodbyes and headed out.

We hadn't even gotten to the end of Billy's street when Sue began, "Well Bella, this isn't exactly as I'd imagined it, but I've been wanting to talk to you since the night of Harry's funeral…"

"Yeah, I'm sorry Sue, it just seems like a lot has happened all at once, I haven't had a chance to call you."

"I'm not chastising you Bella. I just needed someone to talk to about all of this. I mean, I lived with Harry for twenty years, he spoke of the legends as just that. Legends. Hmph." She snorted. "Real legends. How did you cope when you found out? How did you find out by the way? Sam said Jacob got around the injunction because you guessed. How did you guess? Did the Cullen's talk about the Quileutes?"

"No. Actually, it was Jacob, before he knew the legends were real." She was just watching me, so I continued, "You know when I first moved here? I had a strange encounter with Edward….at first he avoided me like I had the plague, then he started talking to me, but was always implying that I should be avoiding him '_if I was smart' _that is. I was really confused. Anyway I came to the beach with a group of friends and we ran into Jacob and his friends. A girl from school mentioned Edward and Sam said, 'the Cullens don't come here'. Well, it definitely sounded like there was more to _that_ story, so I got Jacob alone and he told me about the legends. Of course at the time he didn't believe the legends, and was just entertaining me with scary stories. Anyway, when I got home and fell asleep I had a very strange dream. I was focused on Edward at the time, but the same dream showed me Jacob turning into a wolf to fight Edward….So, when I woke up, I had a lot of thinking to do."

Her eyes had steadily grown bigger and bigger. "So, you decided to spend time with a vampire, knowing full well what he was? You didn't run away screaming?"

"Nope, by then I was already in too deep. He occupied my thoughts, waking and dreaming. The idea of walking away was physically painful to me. I couldn't do it." She just nodded. Kind of like my mom does when she really wants to understand what I'm telling her, but knows it's just out of her grasp. Like explaining physics, she just really wants me to keep talking until I get back to something she does understand. I continued, "Anyway, when Jacob started phasing and staying away from me, he told me I already knew his secret. I just had to remember. He reminded me of the time we walked on the beach. So, when I dreamed that night, I had the same dream only this time, I paid closer attention to what was happening to Jake. When I woke up I just knew."

She stared at me. "You're a night processor, aren't you? You push things down, and allow you subconscious to process the information. That's how you can stay so calm with all of this craziness going on around you." I nodded, I hadn't really thought of it like that, but it sounded about right. "That's why you still scream at night. You're pretending to be okay for Charlie, but you're still struggling with them leaving." I wanted to deny it, but I just nodded.

"I really am trying Sue. I've started the medication, I spoke to the guidance counselor about college, I'm even redecorating my room. I decided that maybe if I keep myself busy with living, I'll start to believe that I actually am. And I haven't been screaming every night."

She looked a little stunned, "Bella, that is a very evolved perspective. I believe I'll try that advice for myself."

I felt like such a jerk. Here she was, having just buried her husband only to then find out that all of the legends are true because _both_ of her children are werewolves, and I'm talking about my problems like they actually matter.

"Oh God, I'm sorry Sue. I've been so self absorbed. How are you doing? I'm sorry about Harry, I know dad really misses him, I can't imagine what you must be going through."

She interrupted, "Oh I think you can imagine very well what I'm going through Bella. I lifetime of dreams and possibilities suddenly gone without a trace? Sound familiar? The Cullen's didn't die, but you lost your future didn't you? I think Harry's dying helped me see what was really going on with you. It wasn't a normal reaction to a broken heart, you were mourning your lost future. That can really mean only one thing, you were planning to join them weren't you?"

Her tone wasn't judgmental or accusing, just stating a fact. I didn't answer right away. I was now well aware what that course of action would mean to the Cullens and the treaty. "It's not really an issue anymore, but yeah, at the time, it's what I wanted more than anything. I wanted Edward, and I wanted forever with him."

She sighed and looked at the ground for a long time. Finally she raised her eyes to mine, "And now? If he comes back? Then what?"

"That's not going to happen Sue, he didn't want me anymore, he left. They all did, they won't be back."

"You don't really believe that anymore than I do Bella. I've seen the change in your demeanor. You've come to a realization about something regarding Edward, and I don't think it's that he didn't want you. In fact, if _all_ of the legends are true, he's no more able to stay away from you that Sam could stay away from Emily."

Wait. What?

She could see the shock on my face. "Imprinting is a powerful and mysterious aspect of pack life. According to our legends, a mated vampire is the same as an imprinted wolf. They have a consuming need to be near and protect their mate. I don't believe Edward was toying with you. I think he, for lack of a better word, is imprinted on you. You don't seem to be denying my assessment, so tell me what changed since the last time we spoke? You obviously no longer believe that he simply lost interest."

We had made it to her house and were sitting on her couch, I slumped down, and spilled it all. The gifts under the floor, my memories, the lullaby, everything. She got a steely glint in her eye when I talked about him wanting me to stay human and thinking he didn't have a soul. I did not however, feel compelled to tell her about my internet search or Cornell. Sue seemed at ease with the entire conversation, but she was still and elder, and there was still a treaty. A treaty that would be broken if I got what I had once wanted.

That thought brought me up short. What did I want? Would I really still trade my humanity for eternity as a vampire? I had so much to think about. If Sue was right, Edward would be back, eventually, this was a very dangerous line of thought for me. I couldn't plan the rest of my life around an obscure, undefined hope. So what? What now? How much more indecision could my sanity take? I guess, stick to the plan until circumstances change.

Sue broke the silence finally, "Well, vampire or not, I always admired Carlisle. At first I was inexplicably uncomfortable around him, now I realize it was survival instinct, but the more I was around him, the less he freaked me out. Knowing what I know now, in spite of my disgust, I admire him even more. He took care of many people. He didn't have to. He is using his enhanced abilities to help humans when, by all accounts, he _should_ want only to drain them. Bella, I can't make you any promises. But I can tell you, as a woman and a member of the council, that doesn't sound like a monster to me. If what you and Edward share is what I think it is, I'd like to think we could work something out so that you could have your forever. Having just experienced the finality of death? If I were immortal, I couldn't have stood by and watched him die. I would have acted to keep him with me always."

"Wow." It's all I could think of to say.

She just nodded, showed me the bathroom and gathered a pillow and blanket while I changed. She wasn't even in the living room when I came out. I laid down on the couch, turned out the lamp and let my mind wander until I drifted off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I don't own Twilight, just can't let go….**

I woke and went to school, focused on everything around me in an effort not to have to think too much about the night before. I made it through my morning classes without incident, obsessively focusing on what each teacher had to say and taking notes.

At lunch, Angela was discreet, asking questions without really asking what she was dying to. We talked about going to Port Angeles shopping for paint, Mike interjected with questions then about what we were painting and Ben offered to help as well. In no time, it looked like we were going to have a painting/redecorating party at my house. Angela offered to drive, so we left my truck at Angela's which fit nicely into the cover story from last night. The guys agreed that we should shop without them, and tomorrow, we could get started on our project right after school. Of course this would mean dinner for everyone as well. I was actually beginning to look forward to it. I hadn't cooked for anyone by Charlie and Jake in ages.

There were stares and whispers, of course. But something inside of me had changed. I found myself almost amused by the curiosity. Almost. I felt no drive to avoid the stares nor did I try to hide myself. Neither did I feel particularly obligated to answer questions from my classmates. I knew that Angela would have more questions later, I also new that her concern was just that. Concern, not curiosity. Strange enough, I suddenly didn't care one little bit about the curiosity of others. I was content to let them draw their own conclusions. I figured there was no way they could come up with the actual sequence of events, and any story they did come up with was bound to be far more entertaining than any fabrication of my own. My imagination had been used up dealing with reality. When you live in the myth, making up things seems like overkill. I was oddly calm, content even.

And this was the new attitude that carried me through the rest of my day… I didn't blush or cower, I didn't avert my gaze, or hide behind my hair. I simply walked, head held high from class to class until, at long last, the school day was over.

The trip to Port Angeles was relatively uneventful. Angela had, naturally, heard all about the mysterious fire at the Cullens'. She asked her questions in such a way as to let me know I didn't owe her an explanation, other than to reassure her that her trust in covering for me was not misplaced.

I assured her that nothing shady had happened, just that Jake had also heard about the fire. I told Angela that Charlie was out most of the night because of the fire. I also implied that Jacob was worried about me being home alone with an arsonist on the prowl. She made the connection by herself that starting a fire at the Cullens' home could be seen as a threat to me. Since I'm the only person in Forks with any connection to them at all. She made the assumption that this was Jacob's concern, I didn't correct her. I also didn't share the fact that I had seen the fire, and had, in fact, started the fire. I told her that I had stayed with Sue Clearwater, and that, though she and my dad were close, she wouldn't expose our little lie. Sue's only concern was that I was safe and that none of this caused Charlie any more stress than it was already.

We stopped for dinner in Port Angeles, thankfully not at the same restaurant we had planned to go to all those months ago when she and Jessica were shopping for dresses. Angela, being caring and sensitive, seemed to know instinctively that some memories are better left undisturbed. Instead, we got hot dogs from a street vendor by the waterfront and strolled along the pier enjoying our "portable" dinner. It was a perfect evening. The sky, streaked with wispy clouds, reflected the sunset over the water in brilliant pinks, oranges and reds. As the color changed to lavender, we headed back home.

Charlie was waiting for us when we got back. In very un-Charlie-like behavior, he insisted on seeing my purchases. He nodded approvingly at my choice of a "Bed in a Bag" ensemble from Target. It was a light blue and brown block print comforter out of some silky material, I'm sure wasn't actually silk, not at this price. Also, it was machine washable, I'm pretty sure silk would require dry cleaning. We'd also found coordinating throw pillows, and a valance for the window. Our stop at the hardware store had yielded new cellular shades that worked from the top down or the bottom up. They were almost the same soft blue as the comforter on the inside, but from the outside, were a neutral white. We'd bought set of oiled bronze coat hooks for the wall, and a matching lock for the window. I was slightly stunned when Charlie didn't even raise an eyebrow at the window lock package. I'd been sure he would want some sort of explanation. I'd been prepared to offer some platitude about having left Phoenix, but Phoenix hadn't left me. All completely unnecessary it seemed. The final piece of our plan was the paint. A fresh blue, a shade deeper than the comforter and a rich chocolate brown for one wall.

Charlie looked relieved when Angela shared the news that Mike and Ben would be over tomorrow after school to help paint and install the blinds and hardware. I mentioned that I had planned to cook and invite everyone to stay for dinner. Charlie's face lit up with this news. I attributed it to his relief that I was finally spending time with my friends.

I should have known better, of course. I should have also noticed that Charlie didn't mention the fire once during the entire conversation. Not even when he apologized for not being able to help with the painting, since he was fairly sure he'd be working late tomorrow.

Of course, Charlie may have been suspicious about my lack of curiosity too. I didn't mention the fire or the rumors, didn't ask why he had to work late.

Volumes were left unspoken between us. Neither wanting to broach the subject. I suspected that Charlie still assumed certain topics were off limits. For the most part that was true. I still didn't relish the idea of talking about the Cullens, but I doubt it would cause a full on panic attack either. After all, I hadn't awakened screaming in quite a while.

After Angela helped me to my room with our loot and headed home, I hit the shower, spent a few minutes on homework and turned in for the night. For the first time since before my disastrous eighteenth birthday, I was looking forward to tomorrow.

**A/N: Thanks for reading. I'm sorry for taking so long between updates. I'd like to say I have a good excuse, but really, I've been spending too much time reading and not enough time writing! Discipline has never been my strong suit. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I plan to update rather quickly. The next chapters are in my head, I just need to get them out! Review if you like, or send me a pm with suggestions! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

**_I don't own Twilight, just can't let go…. _**

**_A/N: So, I'm sorry this took so long. I've tried approaching the re-entry of the Cullens from several angles, but this was my first and I think I'm just going to go with it. I will post my other version as an outtake too. You can tell me which one you liked best, when you read the outtake you'll see how it would have taken the story in a completely different direction._**

Thursday morning came and went without much notice. Mike, Ben and Angela were all excited about painting my room. At lunch, Lauren had been unusually quiet during lunch as we discussed our plans for the evening. I invited the rest of the table over for dinner, assuring them that they didn't have to paint, but that I was making lasagna and there would be plenty. Of course, she and the rest of the "them" crew had declined.

I noticed her staring a few times and finally caught her eye. She sneered and looked away. Then, seemed to think better of it, and turned back to me. "Bella?" She asked, if her voice were anymore sugary, I would have gotten a cavity just being on the receiving end.

"Yes, Lauren?"

"When will the Cullens be arriving?"

I didn't respond. I was too shocked at first. Then I was furious. She would never change. After everything, after all these months, all that pain, she still thought of them as a means to an end. Just a topic to use to goad me.

"I wasn't aware they were coming. Apparently you have better sources than I do. What did you hear?" I tried to keep the accusation out of my voice, I really did, I just don't think I was very successful.

Everyone at our table was still as stone. If possible the silence spread. Within seconds the entire cafeteria would have passed for study hall.

"Well, according the Ashley Dowling, there was a car burned out at the Cullen place. Her dad had to tow it to the impound lot for the police." She paused, I didn't respond, just stared. She actually started to look a little unnerved by my lack of response. This wasn't blushing Bella, and it wasn't zombie Bella either. If I had to pick, I'd say I was channeling Rosalie at this point. I was calm and cool, but clearly not pleased. "Don't you find it odd that they left a car there in the first place? And won't they have to come back to fill out a police report? I'm sure your dad must have told you when he's expecting them?" She raised her brow and cocked her head, as if waiting to see me get flustered.

I didn't… Oddly, I was almost amused. She is so small. Insignificant. An insect. Is this really what she spends her time focused on? Aren't there starving children somewhere? What about world peace? Doesn't she have anyone she actually cares about to take her mind off trying to hurt others?

I decided to have a little fun with her, "I don't know anything Lauren. My dad takes his job very seriously. He would never discuss an ongoing investigation with anyone not directly involved. If foul play is suspected, then I'm sure he's been in contact with Carlisle and Esme. But, since school isn't out yet, I wouldn't expect the whole family to come here to fill out a police report. In fact, I'm pretty sure those types of documents can be faxed or emailed between police stations. As for the car, or cars they left, I'm sure you're aware that Carlisle collects cars. When he got the job offer, I'm sure he didn't have time to make storage arrangements or have time to move them all. He's probably waiting for summer break, and warmer weather to drive them to California." I paused, and tried really hard to look curious, and not smirk, "I am curious though, why are you so interested? If there's something you know, you should see my dad. I'm sure he's looking for anyone with information."

She was three shades darker red than I'd ever turned. She had definitely received the message. She clearly bristled when I referred to the Cullen "parents" by their first names. I knew them, personally, and her curiosity was intrusive and unwelcome. She also received the veiled threat about my dad being interested in anyone with information regarding an ongoing investigation. She started back pedaling almost immediately.

"Oh well, I was just curious is all. You know how everyone likes to gossip, I just figured you would have the inside scoop."

"Nope. Hate to disappoint you Lauren, but not only do I not have the scoop, I don't like to gossip either. In my experience, gossip rarely if ever, even remotely resembles the truth."

The air was crackling with tension. Finally, God love him, Ben cleared his throat. "Well Bella, I hope you have a ipod dock at your house, because I have created the perfect painting party play list!" There were groans, from a few people at the table. I must have looked confused. Mike interjected, "Jeez Cheney, you've really turned into the ultimate A/V geek, you know that?"

"Seriously" chimed in Eric "how much money have you spent on music since Christmas dude?"

He just shrugged, "not too much, you know, I've borrowed a lot from

Angela and Austin, oh hey, Bella is it okay if Austin comes over too? He'd be great help, he paints the sets for the drama club every year, very steady hand with a paint brush."

I nodded, "Of course, the more the merrier Ben, any friend of yours is a friend of mine, right?" He looked so relieved I almost laughed. Angela, patted his shoulder reassuringly. I wondered what that was all about, but didn't get a chance to ask, the bell rang and we all headed to class. Lauren, realizing that she had already been dismissed had huffed off before the bell.

I arrived home to find Jake, Embry and Quill sitting on the front steps of Charlie's house. "Charlie said you were making lasagna in exchange for help remodeling, count us in!" he bellowed before I was even out of my truck. I had to laugh. Typical Jake.

Everyone seemed to get along, and the progress was astounding. The wolves did the heavy lifting of course, and Austin was amazing, while Mike and Ben were busy taping around wood work, Austin was "cutting in" all of the corners where the walls met the ceiling, and the blue walls met the brown one, free hand, and perfectly. Angela helped me in the kitchen and by the time we headed up to tell the boys dinner was almost ready, we were shocked at what we saw. The new shades had been hung, the walls had been primed and had one coat of paint on already, Jake had already installed the coat hook and was putting the matching lock on the window. He raised an eyebrow and grinned his approval. I could almost read his mind, he was glad to see that I was locking out all monsters, not just pushy teenage werewolves. As if that would keep out any of the monsters I had to deal with.

Dinner was thoroughly enjoyable, everyone seemed to love the lasagna, it's a good thing I always make two, the wolves finished one pan by themselves. Afterward, the guys headed upstairs and Angela and I cleaned up. We headed back upstairs to find them putting the furniture back where Angela had instructed and Ben was fiddling with my phone. What? He looked up, "Oh hey Bella, I hope you don't mind, but I noticed your music file is sadly small, so I copied some of my songs to your phone, you don't mind do you? I mean if you find a song you don't like, you can always delete it right?"

"Thanks Ben, that was really thoughtful of you. I'm sure I'll like anything you do." I wasn't sure, but he looked so cute, like a kid who'd picked dandelions for his mom. Who could say no to that face?

Just then, a slow, haunting melody came on. I recognized Cheryl Crow's voice, but I'd never heard the song. "Hey Ben, what's this song, is it on my phone now?" He looked embarrassed, "Yeah this is on your phone, I'm not a big Cheryl Crow fan but I am an X-files fan." I tilted my head in question, "Oh, this is from an X-files soundtrack CD I found at the record exchange. I wasn't sure I would like all the songs, but I love that show, so I had to have it. X-files, Bella? Tell me you know what the X-files is, please!"

"Nope sorry, never heard of it."

Everyone made sounds of disbelief. Uh oh. "NO WAY!" exclaimed Ben, "just the best science fiction show ever!" This led to a long discussion among everyone except me about Fox and Moulder and whether or when they actually got together. Apparently it was a mystery show in the 90s but there were reruns on the SciFi channel all the time. Who knew? I was picking up on the theme, investigating unexplained, possibly supernatural phenomena, soooo not what I would be watching any time soon. I had enough of the supernatural in my life without watching it on television too.

The song though, it struck something in me. She was singing about being on the outside looking, I knew a thing or two about that. I'd have to find that song after everyone had left and listen to it again.

"Sorry guys, I lived with Renee and then Charlie. Of the two of them Renee was more likely to watch something like that, but she was more a Desperate Housewives kind of girl…and Charlie, well I'm not sure Charlie's TV works for anything other than ESPN." Everyone kind of laughed at that.

The party wrapped up fairly early, surprisingly, Jake and his friends were the first to take off. He leaned in for a hug, and mentioned they had to head out on patrol. Mike was trying to linger and Angela could tell I wasn't thrilled, once again, Ben came to the rescue, pulling him aside and asking him to give Austin a ride home so he and Angela could have some "alone time" before he had to drop her off. Amazingly, Mike agreed.

Angela and Ben were the last to leave, Angela reminding me at the door to dress up for school tomorrow, it was Senior recognition day and there would be an assembly in the afternoon, for seniors and parents only. The house was empty by 9:30. I was showered and ready for bed by 10:00. The phone rang just as the cruiser pulled into the driveway. I answered it and was met with silence, "Uh, Hello?" I said again, someone cleared their throat, "Good evening, is Chief Swan at home?" My stomach lurched into my throat and landed somewhere near my knees. I was speechless. So many thoughts and feeling racing and raging through me at once. I almost forgot I was on the phone. Almost. Then I heard him again, "Bella? Sweetheart? Is Charlie there?"

Oh. Yeah. He hadn't called to talk to me. This was a call for Charlie, or rather, Chief Swan, not me. That brought me out of my daze. I put on my best secretary voice and said, "Actually, he's just arrived home, he'll be here in a moment, let me get him for you" and put the phone down before he could respond. Charlie was just walking in the front door as I set the phone down, I turned, plastered a smile on my face, "well talk about perfect timing! The phone is for you. I think it's work related, I'll put your dinner in the microwave, then I'm heading on up. See you in the morning." I spun on my heal, got his dinner started and headed upstairs as fast as possible, well for me anyway, but not before I heard Charlie answer the phone, "this is chief Swan," pause, "I'm surprised to be hearing from you here, you could have called me at the station."

Good. Charlie was keeping it professional and distant too. Police business, that's all this was. No need to read too much into it. Carlisle probably did call the station first. Anyone there would have given him Charlie's home number. They always had. My head was spinning, I needed to redirect my thoughts. My head was already wondering if this meant they would be coming here…I couldn't let myself entertain that train of thought. Clean break. Right?

I found my phone and opened the music folder and found the song Ben had downloaded. I put in my ear buds and looked through my closet for something dressy for school tomorrow. I found what I thought would be the perfect outfit, but with my current state of mind, it was hard to tell. I laid them out and decided I'd sleep on it, maybe by morning I'd change my mind. I fell asleep listening to the haunting melody that reminded me so much of my life, well my former life anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**I don't own Twilight, just can't let go…. **

I fell asleep with that sad song still drifting through my thoughts

…_do as the beautiful ones do_

…_I only wanted to be one of you_

…_standing on the outside lookin'_

Visions of the most beautiful creatures I'd ever seen haunted me. The family I had lost, the life I would never have.

I woke feeling morose, and honestly a bit pissed off. I'm not "one of the beautiful ones" so I can't do what they do, but I can grow a spine, hold my head up and look my best. Which is exactly what I did. I took extra care with my appearance, donned a black pencil skirt, black knee-high, low-heeled riding boots and a black turtleneck. I put Angela's necklace on and some dangly silver earrings from Renee, my hair was smoothed into a sleek French braid, I used the eyeliner Alice had insisted I have, (top lids only-just like she taught me) and even mascara and a light plum lip color. My heart clenched a little, remembering makeup "lessons" with Alice. Too dressy for Forks, maybe, but at least it was all waterproof. I looked a bit like Holly Golightly if I did say so myself. I made it downstairs before Charlie had left. He did a double take and cleared his throat, "you look real nice today Bells, senior assembly right?"

I barely controlled rolling my eyes, of course everyone in town would know about the assembly. Why not? "Yeah, you planning on coming?"

"Oh I don't know sweetheart, I'll have to play it by ear, if it looks like it's going to be slow, I'll head over, I hear the McIntyre kid is going to sign with Notre Dame today, most excitement Forks has seen since," he grimaced "well, in a long while I suppose."

I could tell by the way his voice caught he was about to mention the Cullens. They had been the most exciting thing to happen to Forks for fifty years, their leaving made everything just a little more boring, for everyone, I wasn't the only one let down. Maybe the only one who went a little crazy though, that song was still playing in my head

…_she's as crazy as anyone can be_

…_that's what they say about me_

Maybe Sheryl Crow was in love with a vampire too. She seems to get it, that's for sure. I snorted to myself. Charlie gave my an odd look, "everything okay there Bells?"

"Oh yeah, fine, just thought of something kind of funny."

"Well, that's good I suppose, anything you want to share?"

"No, I don't think so, do YOU have anything to share?" I raised and eyebrow and he looked away real quick, guilty, and started stammering. I almost felt bad for him, almost.

"Well, now that you mention it, there is one thing, I guess I should have said something sooner, figures nobody in this town can mind their own damned business…."

"Uh Char- Dad? You gonna spit it out before I graduate?"

He chuckled, "Yeah, I guess that's sneaking up on me too, isn't it? Well, honey, there was a fire at the Cullen's, looks like somebody set a car on fire, nobody was hurt, thank God, but we don't have any idea how it could have happened…all we found were some huge paw prints, looks like wolf, but that can't be right..." he was muttering by now. He'd been looking away from me, feeling guilty for keeping this from me, so I didn't have to feign surprise, which was good, I just looked at him dumbly when his eyes finally met mine. "Look Bella, I didn't want to tell you until I heard back from the, well from Carlisle. The license plate on the car that was burned, well it was disturbing is all."

"Oh? How was it disturbing?" Of course I knew, but I couldn't let Charlie know that, feigning ignorance was the best course for me now.

"Well the car that was burned was a brand new Audi, and the plates were personalized, they were, well here, look at this, he reached into a paper bag beside him on the floor, and pulled out a charred license plate. "Most of the paint is blistered and scorched, but you can still make out the raised letters, honey, it says 4MYBELLA." Now he was staring at me. I was staring at the license plate, that whole night playing back in my mind, like a whirlwind. It knocked me breathless, I didn't have to fake shock it was slamming me right in the chest. I could feel my face turn pale. Charlie was startled by me reaction and started babbling again,

"Now see, this is why I didn't want to say anything, I didn't want to set you back any. You're just getting back to your old self, I didn't want to tell you any of this if I could avoid it, but Carlisle insisted."

That got my attention, "Carlisle?"

"Well, yeah, Carlisle called last night. You're not actually going to stand here and tell me you didn't know who was on the phone last night? The way you high-tailed it out of here, I figured you didn't want to know why he called or what he had to say, and that's just fine by me. I gotta tell ya Bells, he had a lot to say."

I didn't realize there were tears until Charlie brushed one aside and whispered, "Don't cry honey, I can't stand it, it kills me."

I squeezed my eyes shut and willed the tears away, and asked what Carlisle had to say.

"Well, he wasn't happy with the way his son had handled the move, was furious if you want to know the truth, but thought you'd be angry with all of them because of Edw- (_flinch)_ that son of his. I told him he didn't know you very well if he thought that. He felt real bad honey. He said the car had been a surprise for graduation. _He_ had bought it for you before your birthday, but since you were so insistent about not wanting to make big deal of your birthday, he planned on keeping it until graduation for you. Well, when they left, Carlisle was surprised that he insisted on leaving it here. What senior in high school has that kind of money spend on a car for _a gift, _I'll never understand…" He was muttering almost to himself again by the end. "After he refused to call or even write, well the rest of them weren't sure you'd want anything from them, but wanted you to have the option. The car is in your name, it's fully insured, and you can buy anything you want with the insurance money, replace the car, or not, it's your call."

All I could do was nod. "I'll think about it dad, thanks, for being straight with me. I can't hide forever, sooner or later, I'm going to have to learn deal with all of this. For today though, I think I just want to be an about-to-graduate high school senior and enjoy the day with my friends, okay? We can talk about the rest of this stuff later right? I don't need to decide right away do I?"

"No Bells, there's no rush. I'll see you later okay?"

"Sure Dad."

I made it to school unscathed and was actually relieved that the sun was out. I was in no shape for anymore surprises. If they were even here to begin with. Charlie only said Carlisle had called, not that he was here. I guess I could always find out. NO. I would not allow myself to go down that road today. Today was for stepping toward my new plans, my future.

As I reached my locker I realized there was more staring than usual. This time people weren't looking away when they were caught as they normally would. Old Bella would have mad a b-line for the restroom to make sure I didn't have toilet paper coming out of my skirt or something equally mortifying. But I was new Bella now. I considered that perhaps, just _maybe_, I was getting extra attention because I was dressed up today and that never happens. Like ever. So I gathered my books, kept my head up, smiled at those who met my eyes, an walked at a normal pace to the restroom to make sure I wasn't embarrassing myself! By the end of my first class, I realized part of the fascination. While Angela had reminded me that we were to "dress up" today, she and I were they only senior girls at school today who didn't look like we'd been out clubbing all night. Actually we were the only girls whose stomachs were covered and who weren't wearing mini skirts. I snorted internally, if this were career day, apparently most of our classmates planned to be prostitutes after graduation! I felt decidedly overdressed, but that was fine with me. New Bella or not, I had no intention to ever show off that much skin, much less at school.

Angela looked relieved to see me before lunch. She expressed gratitude at not being the only one dressed like a grown-up as opposed to a stripper. I was a little shocked and a little proud of her. I told her so

.

"I'm proud of you too, Bella." I cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "Well, you've been through a lot this year, I'm just proud of the way you've handled everything, even though you seriously scared me for a while, I'm just proud to call you my friend. That's all." She was choking up. I was touched. I was also guilt ridden, I'd wasted so much time. I could have focused on developing a closer friendship with Angela instead of focusing on who wasn't available. That's what he'd wanted. He'd wanted me to have normal human experiences.

"I'm proud to call you my friend to Angela. And grateful. Thank you for not giving up on me, it means a lot. I'm trying. I think it's working."

She grinned that big, infectious smile and said, "I think it's working too."

All of the underclassmen had been dismissed before lunch, so the cafeteria was fairly empty. This made sitting with Lauren and Jessica unnecessary, but then Angela and Ben did something that really surprised me, they led the way over to the familiar table off to one side of the room. No one had been sitting there all this time. Ben simply said, "I think it's about time, don't you?" I smiled and felt warmer. My friends were trying to help me make new memories here. We laughed and talked through lunch. I asked Austin more about the show he'd been talking about last night, and the music he'd uploaded for me. I was schooled in all things X-files, he pointed out that the characters are named Fox Moulder (a guy) and Dana Skully (a girl). Who knew? Apparently everyone but me. The whole table was talking at once about their favorite episodes, it became clear why I'd never seen this show. Renee would have freaked out. She believes in all of that stuff, and is so easily swayed, it would have been a new nightmare and phobia each week!

Instead of the normal warning bell, Mrs. Cope made the announcement that all Seniors should proceed to the gymnasium for the assembly. I was surprised at the arrangement. For a town as small as Forks, the bleachers were full of parents, grandparents, _the mayor(?)._ There were even a couple of news crews from Port Angeles. I guess Charlie was right. A student athlete earning a scholarship to a prestigious university _is _big news.

All of the seniors were seated up front near the stage. Practice for graduation I guess. Only this time, we didn't have to process in, and could sit with our friends instead of an alphabetical arrangement. Everyone was chattering and excited and of course Lauren made sure to situate herself in full view of the camera crew. Austin pointed and laughed when the camera man moved so she was no longer in his shot. I just kept my head down, I didn't need her to see me laughing, she hated me enough already.

Mr. Varner, Mrs. Lynes, Mrs. Cope and the football coach were all on the stage. The announced awards for perfect attendance, Honor Roll, Who's Who of American High School Students and various other awards. Finally a hush fell over the group as Mr. Varner to announce the Class Valedictorian and Salutatorian. Angela, of course, and surprisingly, Ben as Salutatorian. I knew he was smart, I just didn't realize he was one of _those_ kind of smart guys. He seemed perfectly content to come in 2nd to Angela. Austin started to make a comment to the effect of if the Cullens were still around neither would have had a chance, Ben tried to slug him in the arm but it was too late, I'd caught the gist of it. He was right. Of course, knowing Mr. Varner, though, there was probably an attendance component in the selection, and all those sunny day hiking trips would have knocked both Edward and Alice out of the competition. I just shrugged, smiled and offered my opinion on the matter. Ben and Angela looked slack jawed, but Austin and Mike cracked up. It was good.

A throat being cleared into the microphone, Mr. Varner, "Ladies and gentleman, we're rapidly approaching the end of our assembly, just two more awards." There were sighs of relief, and a few confused looks. Everyone knew about Joe McIntyre signing with Notre Dame today. What possible award did they miss? Mrs. Lynes stood and started to speak about the scholarship she'd told me about. She was describing it to the audience exactly as she'd described it to me. A week ago? Is that even possible? That's pretty fast for a decision. I couldn't hear what she was saying, the blood was rushing in my ears. Over the din inside my own head, I could see my friends all turning toward me, each one of them beaming, Mike and Austin stood to let me out of the aisle, it took a moment to realize I was supposed to somehow make it to the stage. I stood on shaky legs, Angela jumped up to hug me before I turned to head toward the stage. Joe was at the foot of the stage, he'd been seated in the front row for obvious reasons, right by the steps, he offered me his hand as I approached the steps, to steady my climb. Mr. Berty took me be the elbow and escorted me to the center of the stage where the podium was situated, that's when I noticed the attractive middle-aged man in the dark suit. He introduced himself to me and the audience as Jason Jenks, an attorney assigned to administer the endowed scholarship I'd just been awarded and to present me with the first installment. I'm fairly sure I was able to squeak out a thank you and smile.

Two his right were four other people, three ladies and a man, all dressed conservatively in suits, they each introduced themselves. They each represented one of the schools holding a slot for the scholarship recipient. Each invited me to their campus for a visit before I made my final decision.

My head was swimming. I was turning to return to my seat when I felt two thin arms catch me in a tight hug. _Renee. _"Mom! What are you doing here?"

She just laughed. "Did you really think I would miss seeing my brilliant smarty-pants daughter get a _full ride scholarship_?" She just rolled her eyes at me, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You knew? When? How? Uh, buh, wha…?" I was beyond words and beginning to just babble. It felt so good to be in her arms. I really wished I'd been able to spend spring break with her. I'd missed her _so, so much._ Charlie was next. I should have known.

"Slow day after all huh?"

"Very funny kid. I almost slipped up this morning when I saw how nice you looked, I thought maybe you knew! You look so grown up Bells. Don't like it, not one bit." But then he grinned. _He hugged me! _"Real proud of you Bells, real proud."

Finally we were led to the back of the stage so that Joe could have his signing ceremony. Then the assembly was over and everyone was talking at once. All of the college recruiters, even the one from Notre Dame, were trying to convince us to come for a visit. Mr. Varner let my parents know that each senior was allotted 5 "free" absences for college visits, that didn't count against you attendance record, but honestly, at this point who really cared if you have a few more absences. Charlie had already arranged to have the day off, so we decided to head to Port Angeles for an early dinner and to talk to the recruiters. Most of them had flown in to Sea Tak, so they'd be that much closer to catching their flights home.

All the way there, wedged in the back of Renee's rental, while Charlie drove, she campaigned for Florida. Charlie had made a game of coughing "U-Dub" every few minutes and catching my eye in the rearview mirror to wink. We went to Smuggler's Landing, the view of the mountains was breathtaking, everyone relaxed and the conversation flowed pretty smoothly. I mentioned my airline tickets to Charlie and Renee. Both were shocked at first. Neither seemed surprised that I hadn't mentioned the tickets, given my emotional state for the past few months. The recruiters pulled out their blackberries while Charlie and Renee pulled out their pocket calendars (the kind the back gives away for free, thank you very much) and we started planning. Charlie would drive Renee and I to the airport, where we would fly to Florida. I would get to spend the weekend there with Renee and Phil, visit Florida State on Monday and fly out Tuesday morning for New York to visit Cornell. I would then fly to Arizona for a quick overnight to visit U of A on Thursday, and be back in Seattle to visit U Dub on Friday with Charlie, who would pick me up at the airport.

We said our goodbyes to the recruiters and headed back to Forks so that I could pack and make the travel arrangements online. The tickets were open-ended, so I knew they could be changed. The ting was, I didn't have the heart to tell the Arizona recruiter, I had no intention of spending a day and night in Arizona, when it could be used to pursue other interests in New York. I would wait until I was in New York and make my excuses then.

The drive was mostly taken up with Renee gushing about the scholarship and Florida (again). She was so happy. Charlie seemed pretty confident about U W, but my mind was on the cool woods of New York.

Renee was typical Renee. She gushed about everything, but couldn't stay on one topic for very long. She did notice the necklace from Angela and complimented it. She said, "you know if you're going to have a name with a meaning, be glad it's a Swan. There's a boy down for spring training named Johnnie Walker, can you believe that?" I knew my face was blank, because I had no idea what she was talking about, but Charlie snorted.

"Black label?" he chuckled.

"No Red." she laughed back.

They both looked at me and realized I didn't get the joke.

"Oh sorry honey. Johnny Walker is a brand of scotch. There are different label colors, red, black, blue.." I still had a confused look, so she continued, "so anyway, all week the players have been teasing this poor kid, calling him Red Label, be glad you're a swan. Beautiful name, beautiful girl!"

"Why red though? Is that some kind of slam 'cause red's the least expensive?" Charlie was wondering.

"Oh no! He goes to a school with red and white for the school colors. So, red label, instead of his name. Phil says not to fell too bad for him, of all the college kids visiting, at least he'll be remembered. It's a shame really, such a cute guy, you'd like him Bella, soooo not the typical college jock type. Chemistry major, can you believe it? He says if he doesn't make the majors, he'll pursue a PhD in biochemistry. Cute and smart!"

Ooookay?

"So, you're trying to set me up with a college baseball player, who shares his name with scotch? Really Renee?"

"Oh don't be silly. I was just giving an example of problematic names! He doesn't even go to school in Florida, he's just down for spring break to watch spring training. A lot of college players do that. Sometimes they do get noticed, sometimes, they just get meet a few players, hang out, and go back to school with some funny stories."

Luckily, we were home so the random, stream-of-consciousness conversation could stop!

I made the travel arrangements online, packed a bag, and we were headed out again. Charlie didn't bring up the car in front of Renee and for that I was eternally grateful. I didn't think I could handle hashing that out with her today. Of course his parting shot didn't earn him any brownie points.

As we were getting our bags from the back of the cruiser, Charlie pulled me in for a hug, "Be careful Bells. I know it's spring break down there, you may be a legal adult, but you're still a minor. Stay away from the alcohol, liquid and human, got it?"

Of course that got Renee started again! I love my mom, but it's going to be a long three days!

"Thanks dad. Thanks a lot!"

"Anytime" he replied, and with one last U-Dub cough he was off.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**I don't own Twilight, just can't let go…**

Florida was…good. It was hot, and humid and Renee dragged me everywhere. We went to the beach, to the spring training camp to watch Phil play, out for drinks with his teammates and their wives or girlfriends. It was funny to me, that most of the people in the group were closer to my age than my mom's but she fit in so well. Renee is so outgoing and energetic, she never lies about her age, people would never guess she's old enough to have an eighteen year old daughter. She's proud of her age. She quoted Oprah saying, "I OWN those years." She proudly introduced me as her daughter and laughed when someone confused us as sisters.

I'd forgotten how much just being in her presence could lift my spirits. I also witnessed a life lesson about self esteem. She enjoyed peoples' compliments, she never acted with false modesty, but never preened either. She simply laughed or smiled and said thank you. I thought a lot about that. Compliments are meant to make you feel better, or acknowledge some attractive trait. If you don't already like who you are or how you look, then it doesn't work. You have to like who you are before you can accept admiration from someone else. We spoke about it a little during one of our late night "girl time" talks.

She told me that compliments about her looks really don't have anything to do with any effort on her part, so all you can really do is say thank you. That kind of stuff is genetic. Receiving a compliment on something you've worked hard at, however, meant more. It meant that your efforts were paying off. The most important job she'd ever had was being a mom, so hearing me tell her she was a good mom meant more than all the college kids in the world telling her she looked young enough to be my sister. She's proud of me. She'd proud of being my mom, of claiming me. So is Charlie

How had I forgotten that? My parents are proud of me. I need to be proud of myself. I had a feeling the Cullens were somehow involved in the scholarship I'd been awarded, but the fact that I had enough AP classes to start my college career as a sophomore, was my doing. I should be proud of myself.

I began to do an internal inventory of my positive traits and found that none of them had anything at all to do with being in love with Edward Cullen. I was a good person, a devoted daughter, a loyal friend and a good student. That is enough. Wherever my life took me, I was beginning to understand that being valued is a two way street. I need to not waste my time on people who don't value me. Looking to others for validation can only lead to heartache, no one can give you what only you can give yourself.

We toured the campus on Monday and she was surprised that I was leaning toward a biology or chemistry degree instead of English or lit. I explained to her that I liked the predictability of the sciences, especially chemistry. Two chemicals mixed in the same ratio at the same temperature will always yield the same reaction.

Objectivity instead of Subjectivity. Literature was always open to interpretation. Depending on your mood, the same phrase could mean something completely different. I enjoy that for the most part, but when thinking of a career, I think I want a field with a little more objectivity. But still with lots of exploration to be done and mysteries to solve.

She seemed to sense that I was talking about more than just career options, but let it go.

We even talked about medical school, but given my aversion to blood, I think working in a hospital lab was as close as I would be willing to get. I promised to check into the medical technology degree program at Cornell while I was there.

I did get to meet the almost famous John Walker. He stayed in Florida over the weekend and was at the training camp while we were there. He was also at the bar the night we all went out as a group. Renee was right. He was really cute and smart. He was tall, thin and had shaggy, curly blonde hair. I wondered idly if he could be related to Jasper somehow, but I guess any relation would be far enough removed so as to not share much resemblance. He was from Illinois, and it turns out, is a junior majoring in chemistry at the University of Indiana.

I mentioned that I had a classmate attending the University of Notre Dame in the fall, which started a conversation about location of his school versus Notre Dame, and a bit of an impromptu lesson on the geography of Indiana.

He was so nice. And easy. There was no history. He didn't know about Edward, or my behavior after he left. There was no expectation of any type of romantic future since we were from different places and heading in different directions. He didn't push. We talked and laughed and joked. It was like I'd met an old friend for the first time. We did exchange emails, he wanted to hear all about Cornell and wanted pictures.

Renee made sure we went shopping too. She made sure I had "appropriate" college visit outfits. I can't complain too much, she was a lot easier on me than Alice, and really only insisted on a couple of dressy outfits, that were made of what she called a travel knit. Supposedly guaranteed not to wrinkle, even if wadded up in a suitcase. Luckily for me, the dress was also very comfortable. It was a deep royal blue dress. The skirt came to just below my knees, it had V-neck and ¾ length sleeves. Very me. She also found some pretty shoes with a nice low, wedge heel. She insisted that this be the outfit I where when meeting with the folks at Cornell. I could tell she was nervous about sending me there by myself, but relented finally. Somewhere in all of that, the first installment of my scholarship was deposited into my account in forks, so that my debit card now gave me access to all of that cash. It was unnerving to me, but I realized that if all went well, I'd likely be putting down a security deposit on an apartment and paying for registration and book fees very soon.

When I had traveled to Forks from Phoenix, mom had insisted on a non-stop flight. She didn't want to worry about me making my connection in some strange city so far from her or Charlie.

This time, the only non-stop flights were into New York city, so she relented, saying she'd rather I miss a connection in Atlanta, than try to drive in New York City. So, I had booked my flight into Syracuse, which is only about an hour from Ithaca and Cornell by car. Phil had someone with his baseball team arrange for a rental car for me, since most rental agencies won't rent a car to anyone under the age of 25. He made sure the car had a GPS in it, so that I would be able to find my way from Syracuse to Ithaca.

It seemed that all of the adults in my life were doing everything they could to ensure my safety. Of course, none of them suspected that my visit to Cornell would include my efforts to track down a family of vegetarian vampires!

I hated leaving her and Florida. I knew though, that I wouldn't go to school there. As much as I love my mom, I like my solitude. I like being able to ruminate alone. After enjoying that solitude in Charlie's house, I could never go back to being close enough to Renee that she could bounce into my bubble at any moment. Even if I lived on campus or in an apartment, if I were in Jacksonville, there would be no stopping her. I made a commitment to myself to visit her more often.

It wasn't until I was on my flight that I began to question that decision again. What had changed? I had decided that I was willing to give up my family and all of my human ties to be with Edward. Now, as I'm traveling in the direction of finding him, I'm making plans to see more of Renee?

So much to consider. When had I given up on becoming one of them? Had I given up on becoming one of them? I'd made so much internal progress, why was I suddenly so confused?

It wasn't until I was boarding my connecting flight in Atlanta, that I realized what question I should really be asking myself.

If Edward came back to me today, and was willing to change me and be with me forever, would I do it? It was a shocking realization to realize my answer. **I don't know. **

For the first time, I was beginning to realize all that he'd try to tell me. All that I would be giving up. It would be a sacrifice. Was it one I was still willing to make? That is where my position had apparently changed. Where before I was certain that the only way for us to be together forever was for me to change, now I wasn't sure. I was actually _looking forward _to my life as a human. As a student. As a daughter. As a friend.

What were my options anyway? That is where my mind started wandering and where I started to get really agitated again. How did I not even know my options? Because I was never included in any calm, rational discussion about my future. It had always been an argument. Heated words where I was stridently pleading the case to become immortal, and Edward was immutably refusing to even discuss it. _"Bella, you don't know what you're asking."_

Of course I didn't know what I was asking! He wouldn't share any information with me so that I could make an informed decision. Is that how forever would be with Edward? Him always presuming to know what's best for me, while I jump blindly because of his silence? By the time the plane touched down in Syracuse I was bordering on furious. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was ready to kick some vampire ass! I gathered my bags and made my way to the rental car.

I used the drive to calm myself down. It really is a lovely part of the country, lush and green. Lots of hills. Lots of trees. Much like Forks, without all the rain. Figures.

**A/N: Next up EPOV. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I know-not much excitement this chapter (all together now say transition). Promise it will start picking up again soon. Sorry for the delay. I am, apparently, one lazy bitch!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**I don't own Twilight, just can't let go…**

**EPOV**

For the love of all that's holy, what happened? I'm standing at our former house in Forks and there is scorched earth, broken trees, tire marks and paw prints?

No, that can't be right. Huge, canine paw prints. Wolves? Giant wolves. Just like the kind of wolves we met over seventy years ago when we'd lived here before. Could it be? Was that even possible? My mind was racing with the possibility that there had been werewolves here while we lived here. How could we have missed it? The stench alone was enough to alert any vampire within a ten mile radius. But then, we stayed far away from La Push and the Quileute border lines.

I kept searching my memories. I hadn't been around any Quileute for any length of time, but then, that didn't mean anything. Even within the tribe, apparently not everyone believed in the legends. In fact, the chiefs descendent hadn't believed. I moved across the property to the garage. Now I smelled a familiar scent. Chief Swan had been here recently. That might explain one set of tire prints. But what of the drag marks coming out of the forest, up the hill. Something was towed out of the gully, something that had been burned. Looking back at the trees, I could see scorch marks several feet up the trees. Whatever had burned had burned hot and tall. Turning back to the garage, the lock had been torn off the doors. So, not by a mortal then. One of the wolves? I pulled the garage door and was assaulted by other smells. The chief had been inside the garage as well. Along with a couple of humans, very faintly, the scent that had been haunting me assaulted my senses. Bella. Bella had been here. Recently. A week ago at the most. Looking around I noticed several things simultaneously. The dust layer on the vanquish had been disturbed, and Bella's car was missing. Then the other scent hit me. Vampire! More specifically, Victoria. NO! It's not possible. How? Dear God, was she here at the same time as Bella? Panic. Pure, lethal panic. I was frozen for a split second and then I became murderous. If she had come within a mile of Bella I would shred her into tiny pieces and burn each one. Slowly, one piece at a time. I had to find out what had happened. I started running through the forest toward Bella. My first instinct, my only priority to make sure she was safe. Full of self-castigation, I was thoroughly berating myself for my stupidity. I'd left her alone. Unprotected. Please, please PLEASE no. Please she has to be okay. She has to be safe. This can't have been for nothing. My mind was a spiral of fear and despair. I was halfway to the Swan house when my phone rang. Alice.

"Edward, don't panic! She's safe. She's not hurt I swear. Also, she's not there."

"What do you mean she's not there? Where is she Alice? I have to see for myself. I have to know that she's okay."

"Well, I haven't been looking, your orders remember? Anyway, when Carlisle called about her car, I started trying to see her again. I saw nothing until Friday. It looks like she either is in Florida or will be soon, visiting Renee. Unfortunately, it appears Renee doesn't read the newspaper or watch the news, so I can't get an accurate date. But I can see that she's fine Edward. She's safe. I can also see that if you approach Charlie right now it will end badly" So, stay at the house. Carlisle and Jasper are on their way."

"What did Carlisle say about her car? Why did he call?"

"Apparently, there was a fire? I saw you at the house, so I know you've seen the aftermath. Anyway, Charlie contacted Jenks to notify Carlisle that there had been a fire, since the property had been in his name. He mentioned that the car had been registered to his daughter, and wanted an explanation of that. Carlisle was hopeful that Bella was uninjured since Charlie seemed okay when he spoke to Jenks, but he called me to look, to be sure. Again, I tried, but couldn't see her, until the vision of her boarding a plane to Florida with Renee. Which is weird, Spring break was last week, I'm not sure why Renee would be in Forks to begin with, unless…."

She was rambling and I had to cut her off. "It's fine Alice, she doesn't need a special reason to visit her only daughter. What did Carlisle do about the car?"

"Well what could he do Edward?! You refused to get rid of it. Refused to have the title changed, so legally, it was Bella's. Carlisle told Charlie that you'd planned to give it to her for graduation, but that you weren't certain that she would accept. He intimated that you'd planned to return and beg her forgiveness. He also insisted that the insurance money be given to Bella to do with as she saw fit. I don't think Charlie would have told Bella about you coming back though. I can't imagine he's a fan of yours. You know, I tried not to look, but sometimes, I saw, and Edward, it was bad. She was like you. I know you don't want to hear that, but she was. She wasn't functioning. She looked like hell."

My stomach dropped. "How long, Alice?"

"January. I saw her in a car with Jessica Stanley. Then, nothing more. Not black, like she wasn't there, just grey mist. Like I was blocked from seeing somehow. I panicked at first, thinking something terrible had happened, but decided to check on some former classmates, and could see her with them. So I stopped trying. I'm sorry Edward, I know you didn't want me to look, but I couldn't help it. I was afraid something terrible had happened to her… I knew I had to do something…"

I cut her off again, "It's fine Alice. When is Carlisle due? I have some news for him. It seems that the wolves have returned, and Victoria was somehow involved in the fire. Her scent was in the garage. Along with Bella's and Charlie's. I am hoping against hope that Bella was with Charlie when he came to investigate the fire. Any other scenario will drive me mad. Can you see Victoria?"

"No. And it is the black vision, like death. Whatever happened, I think Victoria is gone for good. Try following her scent, see where it leads. Carlisle and Jasper should be there by morning."

I started toward the house and changed my mind again. What would I do there overnight? Alice said I couldn't talk to Charlie. I could still check on the Swan house without being detected. Maybe I would learn more… Right, that's all it was, reconnaissance, it was for her safety. That's what I kept telling myself all the way there.

I was relieved to see that the cruiser was not in the driveway. Charlie must be working late.

I climbed the tree outside Bella's bedroom window. The shades were different. Or more accurately, she now had shades instead of sheer curtains. Also, there was a lock on the window. It was engaged. Agony. I nearly fell out of the tree. She'd locked her window. She'd locked her window on me. This thought kept echoing in my head. Can vampires become lightheaded? I felt as though the world had tilted on it's axis.

I let out a shaky breath. I should be relieved that she'd taken more precautions to guard her privacy and safety. But I could help but think that there was only one person she had to fear entering her bedroom, or looking through her sheer curtains. Did she fear me now? I should be relieved. Why wasn't I relieved? Apparently her sense of self-preservation had improved in my absence. I shuddered to consider what she'd been through to cause that, if me and my family hadn't been enough to do it.

Once I regained control of my equilibrium and thoughts, I mentally scanned the neighborhood. No one seemed to be up and about. I moved at vampire speed to the front of the house, removed the key from the eve above the door and let myself in, making sure to replace the key before closing the door behind me. Her scent. I was once again overwhelmed. I doubled over with the impact of her scent on me. Again I had to wait to recover, and moved slowly to the room at the top of the stairs. The sanctuary I'd banished myself from.

It was completely different. Recently changed, by the smell of the paint and bed linens. Why had Bella changed her room so drastically? In addition to the smells of the fresh paint, new bedding and Bella, I smelled other humans. I recognized them all. Ben Cheney had been in my Spanish class last year, as had his friend Austin. They'd sat behind me. Why would they be here? Angela Webber of course, had always been kind to Bella. Of course Newton would be here too. But in her room? Why? _You have no right to wonder who she allows into her bedroom nor why. You left her remember? _The annoying voice in my head sounded suspiciously like Alice. Overwhelming all the other scents though, was the scent of wolf again. In this enclosed space, it was more concentrated, but I could make out three distinct individuals.

Wonderful.

So whether all at once or at different times, not only had Bella allowed Newton into her bedroom, but three wolves too! Clearly I'd been premature in my assessment of her newly improved sense of self-preservation.

I moved further into the room and looked around. The paint, bedding and new arrangement of the furniture was lovely. Soft blues and deep warm brown. So like Bella. Mature, calm and soothing.

Moving the desk next to the window made sense, from a human doing homework point of view. It rankled though, I'd never be able to come in through the window again. Not with the desk in the way. It was a sharp stab in my chest. Is that what she wanted? To ban me from her room? I ached with the pain and remorse of my actions. I'd caused this. This is what I'd told myself I'd wanted. She was moving on, going forward with her human life and her human friends. Had she found a new love too? No. I had no right to question that. I was here to check on her safety, nothing else. I looked around the room one last time and turned to go. As I did, something on her desk caught my eye. A jewel cd case.

Could it be? Had she? Without thought I was at the loose floorboard, lifting it out of it's spot. The space below was empty. She'd found her things! Joy and warmth flooded me as I realized she new the truth. She knew I loved her still.

Then in a fraction of a second, a crushing realization. It didn't matter. She'd found her things, and my note, but she'd still locked her window and moved her desk in front of it. Dear God it Heaven.

Was I too late? Had I hurt her too much? Where _was _she?

**A/N Sorry for the long delay between chapters. No excuse really. Just life in general. Miss me? **


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

I don't own Twilight, just can't let go…

BPOV

The drive took just over an hour, and by the time I found campus I was starving. I had been too jumpy to eat anything during my layover in Atlanta, and now it was dinner time.

I was able to find a security guard, who directed me to the visitor parking area, where I was given a temporary parking permit and directed where to park. The lady working the booth also gave me a map and showed me where I would be able to park tomorrow for my visit with the admissions counselor.

The campus was more beautiful than I could have imagined. Also, it is big, like Phoenix big. I would certainly get lots of exercise walking between home and classes. I wandered around for a while and found a student center with a food court. After getting myself and sandwich and drink, I found a table to settle in at. The area was very crowded and noisy. There was a lot of talking and laughing, I could hear snippets of conversations, people greeting each other, asking about how spring break was. I was comforted by blending into the background once again. Alice would be appalled. For and Ivy League school, I saw an alarming (to Alice) number of hoodies and jeans. Of course they may well have been designer jeans, I wouldn't know.

I ate my Sandwich and watched people for a while. Then I pulled out my map and looked for the biology building. I pulled up Carlisle's office information on my Blackberry to help. I finally found the building I was looking for on the map and discovered that it was on the opposite side of campus. I decided to drive over, give it a shot, since it was getting late and offices were likely closed for the day. If I couldn't reach him, I'd find my hotel and try again tomorrow.

I found the building. I was even able to get inside and find Carlisle's office. No one was there of course. It was after 7 p.m. by now and the sun was beginning to set. I stood in the hall outside his door for several minutes. Do I leave a note? What would I even say? I decided no. I just ran my hands over his door, if he came in tomorrow, he would smell my scent, and know I'd been here. He could stay or go, that would tell me whether he wanted to speak with me or not.

I made my way back to my rental and from there to the hotel. Once inside, I fired up my laptop and searched off campus apartments and town homes for a couple of hours. Several advertised openings for the fall. A few rental offices even had evening hours. I placed a few calls and made arrangements to visit a couple of places in the afternoon, following my meeting with the admissions counselor.

Then, like the stalker I am, I revisited Jasper's listing and found his address on Google Maps. Typical, it was a big house, barely visible because of the trees surrounding the property. It was adjacent to a state park, which connected to several other forests. Plentiful wildlife, the thought made my heart ache. I missed them all so much.

Finally, I turned off the computer and headed to bed. I wondered if I would see any of the Cullens tomorrow. Would they want to see me? My questions seemed insignificant at this point. I now know exactly why Edward said and did what he did. Did his family know he was going to lie to me? Did it matter?

I have to assume that they want to have me around, or the scholarship would not have included Cornell. Sleep finally claimed me. I dreamed of reunions and happy faces. For the first time in months, I didn't have any nightmares and woke up well rested.

The meeting with the admissions counselor went better than I'd expected. She was able to set me up with an academic advisor in the College of Arts and Sciences, who met with me and we came up with a tentative schedule for the fall semester. I considered asking about the summer term, but decided against it. No matter which direction my life went from here, this summer was going to be spent with my mom and dad. It may be my last.

I wasn't ready to truly consider that, but if I was going to pursue a relationship with the Cullens (with or without Edward) I needed to consider the possibility that I too would become a vampire. College girls go missing all the time don't they? I shuddered at the thought. I didn't relish the idea of putting my parents through that anytime soon. Especially not after what I'd put them through this past winter.

Following my meeting with the advisor, I made my way to Carlisle's office. Today there were lots of people in the offices, including a secretary who let me know that Dr. Cullen had not returned following spring break due to a family emergency. She said he planned to be back next week. Perfect. I'd be back in Washington Friday, they'd be on the way here. We were passing each other as we crossed the country.

It was lunch time by the time I got all of that accomplished and I found another place on campus to grab some lunch. After eating, I decided to check out the bookstore in the same building. This is where I'd be coming in the fall to pick up my textbooks and supplies for classes in the fall. I felt a little guilty for not really even giving UW an honest shot, but really, Cullens aside, I had a chance to attend an Ivy League school free of charge. Charlie would be suspicious if I didn't jump at this opportunity. Maybe some Cornell gear would soften the blow. I found Cornell sweatshirts, t-shirts and ball caps. I gathered my purchases and headed toward a check-out lane. That's where I spotted it, Car and Driver magazine. The memory was so vivid. I was transported to that morning.

"It's an M3."

"_I don't speak car & driver." _

"It's a BMW"

Wow. I grabbed the magazine and added it to my stack. The kid working the register raised his eyebrows, but didn't comment.

I had some research to do. I definitely was not going to buy another Audi, but I could get something safe that would handle winters in Ithaca.

By the time I was boarding my plane back to Seattle on Friday morning, I had accomplished a great deal.

I had rented an apartment close to campus, not on the ground floor, in a secure building with a secure parking garage. I had paid the first and last month's rent plus a security deposit.

I had ordered furniture and arranged for the rental agency to accept the delivery once the current occupants had moved out.

I also bought a car, registered it, got a campus parking sticker and got permission to park it in the secured parking garage of my new apartment building.

I bought a dark blue Jeep Grand Cherokee. It's not a German car, but it is four-wheel drive, has very high safety ratings and all the latest technology to keep me from getting lost or stranded. I didn't know whether Edward would be pleased. It wasn't even a quarter of what the insurance payment had been for the Audi. Yeah, that had been a shocker. I checked my balance online before handing over my debit card to make the apartment payments, only to find an extra $180,000 was in my account!

I hoped that he would be happy that I'd purchased a car that was a.) not used and b.) not my old red truck. I did have plans for my old truck. I would have to talk to Jake about it, but I think LaPush is going to have a new garage and body shop if I had anything to say about it. I think Jake and his friends could be great mechanics, especially with some help from the Cullen's extravagant spending and insuring habits. I still had $140,000 left after buying the jeep. With that money the guys could find place to rent, buy the equipment they need, and set up shop. As business gets going for them, they could take on the pet project of restoring my beast to her former glory. With a few upgrades of course, like airbags, and a roll cage, antilock brakes, an engine that will do more than 50 mph without sounding like its dying. You get the idea. I was excited to get back to Forks to talk to Jake and Sam about it. The pack members could use a place to work with flexible shifts for when they are running patrols or have an emergency. If they own the shop, they won't have to worry about a boss being unhappy with them for missing too much work.

Charlie met me at the airport and could tell by the look on my face that Cornell was the place I want to be.

At his suggestion, we cancelled our appointment at UW and just spent the afternoon in Seattle. We went to the aquarium and then to Pike's Place for dinner. The nice thing about the time difference was that I left New York in the morning arrived in Seattle three hours later, according to Seattle time. The bad part was that I'd been in an airplane for nearly 7 hours! So while we were having dinner, I was already tired enough to go to sleep!

Charlie seemed to like his Cornell gear and was pleased that I was able to sleep in the cruiser on the way back to Forks with no nightmares. I woke just as we were leaving Port Angeles and we chatted on and off for the remainder of the trip home. I was suddenly antsy. I felt an almost electric charge and was nearly vibrating by the time we got home. Charlie wrote it off as being excited to get home and share my news with my friends. I told him I was excited to sleep in my newly remodeled room again. I'd only spent one night there since we'd painted and redecorated.

I didn't know what was going on with me. I think the reality of actually being close to the Cullens come fall was starting to sink in. I hadn't been this _animated_ in ages.

Charlie hefted my bags out of the trunk and helped me to my room with them. Once he'd left and closed the door behind him, I knew exactly what was going on with me. I could still smell him. Edward had been here. In my room and apparently it had been recently. I don't have vampire senses, so if I could smell him, it must be recent.

He didn't leave a note. I noticed my cd had been moved from its spot on my dresser, to the nightstand. I went to the window and looked out. No sign of him. The lock was still engaged. He hadn't come in or left through the window. Of course he hadn't, how could he? The window was locked and the desk was in the way. Just as I'd planned, only I felt bad about it now. I wonder what he thought of the changes. Did he think it was a sign for him to stay away? Would he stay away? Is that what I wanted? No. I don't want him to stay away, I don't want him climbing in my window anymore either.

Maybe, eventually he'll get the courage to be here at the same time as me. Then, maybe we can have an actual conversation about what each of us wants. I fell asleep with hope in my heart.


End file.
